Dear Abhishek:
Yes, it is normal to feel angry when you feel hurt. It is normal to want to hurt back the person who hurt you. It is normal to choose to not hurt another because you expect to feel guilty for doing so. Having all our feelings is a normal thing. Every feeling carries a message and all the valid messages are aimed to promote our SELF INTERESTS, one of which is SELF PROTECTION.

Your main and foremost responsibility is to promote your self interest. It is in our genes as the animals that we are. It is our biology. It is not… normal (but very common) to sacrifice our self interest for another’s interests. The way to go is to participate in relationships and interactions with people on a WIN-WIN basis. Do what helps you and helps (or at least doesn’t hurt) another.

What I notice in your sharing about the girl is that you project a lot of YOUR feelings into her: you imagine she feels this or that because YOU feel it. We all project. We imagine what the other person is feeling because we feel it. Sometimes the projection is accurate or close to being accurate and at other times it is off and sometimes it is very inaccurate. When you feel she is feeling this or that, you may be wrong. You don’t know what she is feeling, you only imagine that you do. In a relationship with someone you trust enough, you can ask: how are you feeling? What did you mean when you said that? This is how you get information, not relying solely on your projection of how you feel, or how you would feel if you were her…

Also, you excuse her insensivity to you because of her upbringing, because she was hurt. Well, the thing is there would be nobody in prison if all were excused for their behavior … because who was not hurt? Do we excuse any and all behaviors, murders because the murderer had a difficult upbrining? Is a victim of a murder less dead because the murderer had a difficult upbringing?

Are you less hurt by her because she had a tough upbringing?

You take care of yourself- this is your job. It is not about figuring her out. It is about figuring yourself out, enough so that you learn to do what is right for YOU.

You asked “why run away?” about her, why avoid things- because facing things is either uncomfortable or very scary. You too avoid things, you too run away, don’t you? Aren’t you running away from yourself by FOCUSING on her motives, her feelings, her upbringing instead of looking more (because more needs to be seen) into your motives, your feelings, your upbringing?
anita