Hello all.

It’s a long story and I would be telling only the truth here. I want to get frank opinion regarding a matter which I am unable to solve on my own and has been eating me up since a very long time and has led to anxiety as well as decreased productivity.

I am a college student. It all started two years ago. I liked a girl and I approached her and we became friends. I didn’t tell her that I like her though for a few months and we went on to chat on the phone or on facebook(I haven’t talked to her much face to face as we are in different departments in our college and don’t have any same classes) but then one day over chat she was teasing me that I should get a girlfriend and I confessed to her that I like her. She said that she didn’t like me like that and also that she is commitment phobic. There were times when she used to tease me by saying things like, ‘I know you wouldn’t miss me'(when she was going on a trip) and things like that. So I thought that even she likes me. That hurt me much more than the rejection because I felt that she shouldn’t have said all those things even though I knew that she might be joking only as she tends to talk like that but I was hoping that there might be some attraction behind that. So, after our chat on whatsapp was over, I messaged to her that I was afraid that this would change things between us and our friendship won’t remain the same. I didn’t get any reply from her. I believe this is the point where I should have broken all contacts. But, let’s continue..

I kept on thinking and decided that I shouldn’t have sent that message that our friendship would change. The thing is she used to talk to me about things which she never told to anybody else(so she said), so I thought I should respect her friendship also.At that time there was no hidden agenda or hope of anything. So I messaged to her on facebook saying sorry, she didn’t reply but on whatsapp I asked her how she was and then she asked me to forget everything and be friends again. So I agreed and we started chatting again.I started initiating the chat less than before as I sill liked her and I knew that it is futile. But once I ignored her chat and she asked me the reason so I told her that I still like her. She told me that she likes me as well and did thought sometimes about me. She said that the reason she said no last time is that she felt that she is not good enough for me and that she does not get attached to people and is less likely to get attached to me. She said that it’s due to her upbringing( She is a single child and both her parents have been working. Her father gets transferred to different cities once in few years.) I was shocked and told her that she need not think so negative about her but she didn’t reply. Then we finished that chat.

I hoped to receive a reply from her regarding this matter but later she started ignoring me. This was during the vacations. I used to message to her but she only responded minimally. I asked her something and she used to reply and that’s it. On new years, this year I asked her that why was she ignoring me and she said she wasn’t ignoring me, she was busy with projects( which she actually was). But I knew that she was lying.

Later after our college reopened, she messaged me and I didn’t reply because I was hurt. Later when I asked why did she message, she told me that she was drunk so doesn’t remember why she pinged me. I was hurt and even confronted her a few days later about thins strange behaviour but all she said was that she does not feel comfortable opening up to anyone and that I should forget about the chat we had about liking each other and she was really busy during vacations and wasn’t ignoring me.

I asked that if she felt uncomfortable talking about that topics, she should have directly told me so. She said’ The point is , I don’t care if what I did is right or wrong, I don’t want to think about it’. This broke me and I just haven’t been able to recover fully.

I had a very low self-esteem at that point and so used to cry about her behaviour and used to feel as if I was worthless. I wrote a long message to her asking her about her actions and exclaimed that I don’t understand what kind of friendship this is. She said that I shouldn’t doubt her friendship and she was just busy.

Then we went on normally, we resumed talking although less frequently. Still, I felt that maybe this friendship is not right for me as I am unable to move on and also maybe this friendship does not mean anything to her as she demonstrated through her behaviour. I did tell her about this(through long messages)but got the same reply or sometimes no reply at all. I told her about the depression and also that I feel she doesn’t understand friendship. Last month she called me and said that I was wrong to feel that she doesn’t understand friendship and my message about depression made her feel guilty. She said that I was wrong to expect her to raise that topic again and she indeed was ignoring me and the reason was to give me time to move on. She said that she doesn’t feel the need to justify her thoughts and actions and so doesn’t reply to my messages questioning her behavior. She said that she liked me before but now she doesn’t as I am too serious and too sensitive. So I told her that I should stop talking. She said that she completely understands.

But I don’t know why maybe because I felt worthless or my ego was hurt, I messaged her twice, once apologising for judging her friendship and that I would remain the same(serious, sensitive, etc). Once I messaged her wishing all the best for exams as i was in a good mood and just felt like.I got no reply. Again 2 days back I asked her about why she didn’t reply to which she said that she is fed up of all these long messages from me and it’s inappropriate of me that every once in a while I send her a message and expect her to reply and there is no point replying to these messages as we would get back to square one. She said ‘Leave it. You understand whatever you want to understand’.

Thank you for reading the long post.

Now I want to know the right course of action.
I personally don’t want to stay friends with her.
I have only one semester left in college and I don’t want to waste that time. I have already wasted a lot.

I feel that if she would have valued the friendship, she should have told me honestly that she was ignoring me and whenever i confronted her about the issue, she should have at least told me the truth instead of ignoring and saying that she didn’t care.

I know I was wrong to disturb her with long messages but I wanted to clarify matters and confirm if she values this friendship or not. The thing is even if I want to ignore her now, I feel that it would be wrong and all of this is my fault.

I believe I should have stopped talking to her when she didn’t reply to my message about our friendship not remaining the same anymore(when I told her that I liked her and she declined) as if she really cared about it she would have at least called me.

What should I do? And could you also advise me as to how should I be firm and not care about others as I think I sometimes can be a pushover and care too much about whether I would hurt someone or not.