Susieque,

Congratulations on taking some steps toward dismantling your hate and bitterness. Anger is a very seductive emotion, and when compounded by loneliness and injustice, its no wonder that a good heart would sour. Consider that forgiving the actions of others produces freedom and happiness for ourselves, so the quest you’re on is really not about your son or his friends, but rather a quest to rekindle your own happiness.

It sounds to me like you formed some hefty attachment to your son’s friend. You relied on him, came to depend on him, and not just for his handyman skills. In some ways, perhaps he stood in proxy for your husband (I’m sorry for your loss), and so his leaving and unskillfull breakup with you triggered all sorts of inner stuff.

Consider that he is not your son, and so his girlfriend’s concerns and issues with the connection are not completely unfounded. If your husband had had a close female friend where “I love you”s were exchanged, perhaps you would have had concerns? Especially if boundaries were fuzzy?

To find authentic forgiveness, to let go of this situation so you can again find your inner smile, consider first giving lots of hugs to the anger. Make space for it, validate it, embrace it as a natural result of grabbing on tightly to the thoughts of being wronged. Like clenching our hand around a hot ember, a tight fist around painful experiences doesn’t really hurt anyone but ourselves as it brings its intense heat to our body. We have the thought that clenching tightly somehow makes us ready to launch justice on the betrayal, but really all that happens is our hand gets scorched, burnt. As you hug and validate the very natural anger you experience, work to unclench your fist around the thoughts. Let there be space around them. Let them slide on past.

Consider: if you had 30 friends, would you be as upset? Does all the emotional turmoil surrounding that boy really have to do with him? My guess is there are some tears you didn’t shed, distracted by his presence, that really need to come out and flow behind you. Emotional stuff is perhaps stuck inside, and needs to be blown out, wept out, flailed out, worked out.

Finally, consider a healing prayer. “Whatever causes and conditions went into the blooming and fading of our close friendship, may we both be free of any hurt feelings that remain, and be left with open hearted gratitude for what we had.” There are a great many beautiful things that are obscured by your anger, dear friend, and holding this prayer, rather than the thoughts of injustice, could perhaps help much of that beauty show itself again. If said with even half the passion and enthusiasm behind your anger, those car shows should be fun again in no time.

With warmth,
Matt