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Forgiveness instead of hate

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  • June 13, 2015 at 2:04 pm #78173
    Sue
    Participant

    This is my first post and I just want to tell a bit of my story since I feel so stuck everyday.

    My husband passed away two years ago after 34 years of marriage. I have been very lonely since most of my friends are couples and they have drifted away since I am the odd person out.

    Friends of my son started helping me around the house and one of them became very close to me, like mother and son, but more so. He was always there when I needed him and he was a friend I desperately needed. His exact quotes to me were “I will always be there for you” and “I love you”, and he said the last one right in front of his mother when she was over visiting. His girlfriend was very jealous though, and after a year of me helping pay his bills in return for the help he gave me, he ungratefully ended our friendship with a cowardly text message. I was devastated, and nine months later I am still bitter because my son is still best friends with him and hangs out with him every week.

    Why does this still bother me you ask? Because not only did he leave, but all the rest stayed away too to keep her happy. I opened my home to these people and they all threw my hospitality back in my face. (weekly gatherings here, food, use of my garage)

    Because I am very involved in the car show scene, and so are all of them, there is tension every week wondering if any of them are going to show up at these meets. My son has excluded me which hurts even more because we only have each other and used to have fun going to these shows together. I know go on my own and have tried to make new friends.

    I guess my main issue is not just getting over the betrayal by all of these ungrateful children, including my son, but if I ever do make a friend again, I am too afraid to let them get close to me in case it all comes crashing down again. I trusted this person, but he turned out to be just an opportunist since I have a few dollars in the bank, and I am afraid this will happen again, since my heart is still so vulnerable after all the loss. I’m not sure what to do anymore other than live my life alone with no trust.

    Thanks for reading.

    June 13, 2015 at 11:33 pm #78178
    Matt
    Participant

    Susieque,

    Congratulations on taking some steps toward dismantling your hate and bitterness. Anger is a very seductive emotion, and when compounded by loneliness and injustice, its no wonder that a good heart would sour. Consider that forgiving the actions of others produces freedom and happiness for ourselves, so the quest you’re on is really not about your son or his friends, but rather a quest to rekindle your own happiness.

    It sounds to me like you formed some hefty attachment to your son’s friend. You relied on him, came to depend on him, and not just for his handyman skills. In some ways, perhaps he stood in proxy for your husband (I’m sorry for your loss), and so his leaving and unskillfull breakup with you triggered all sorts of inner stuff.

    Consider that he is not your son, and so his girlfriend’s concerns and issues with the connection are not completely unfounded. If your husband had had a close female friend where “I love you”s were exchanged, perhaps you would have had concerns? Especially if boundaries were fuzzy?

    To find authentic forgiveness, to let go of this situation so you can again find your inner smile, consider first giving lots of hugs to the anger. Make space for it, validate it, embrace it as a natural result of grabbing on tightly to the thoughts of being wronged. Like clenching our hand around a hot ember, a tight fist around painful experiences doesn’t really hurt anyone but ourselves as it brings its intense heat to our body. We have the thought that clenching tightly somehow makes us ready to launch justice on the betrayal, but really all that happens is our hand gets scorched, burnt. As you hug and validate the very natural anger you experience, work to unclench your fist around the thoughts. Let there be space around them. Let them slide on past.

    Consider: if you had 30 friends, would you be as upset? Does all the emotional turmoil surrounding that boy really have to do with him? My guess is there are some tears you didn’t shed, distracted by his presence, that really need to come out and flow behind you. Emotional stuff is perhaps stuck inside, and needs to be blown out, wept out, flailed out, worked out.

    Finally, consider a healing prayer. “Whatever causes and conditions went into the blooming and fading of our close friendship, may we both be free of any hurt feelings that remain, and be left with open hearted gratitude for what we had.” There are a great many beautiful things that are obscured by your anger, dear friend, and holding this prayer, rather than the thoughts of injustice, could perhaps help much of that beauty show itself again. If said with even half the passion and enthusiasm behind your anger, those car shows should be fun again in no time.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 14, 2015 at 9:04 am #78186
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear susieque:
    As I read your post I paid attention to the fact that you are making certain assumptions that may or may not be true. You assume that
    1) The reason most of the friends your hasband and you had drifted away from you after your loss of your hesband is that you are now a single person and no longer part of a couple.
    2) The young man who helped you in return for you paying his bills should be grateful to you; that you have given him in the exchange more than he gave you.
    3) The young man was a coward in the way he ended your relationship.
    4) The young man’s girlfriend was jealous of your more-than-friends, more than mother-son relationship with him.
    5) “These people” threw your hospitality back in your face, that is they were ungrateful and rude to you.
    6) Your son should have rejected his friend and is further hurting you by excluding you.
    7) “All these ungrateful children” have betrayed you.
    8) The young man was an opportunist, taking advantage of you because you have some money.
    9) People are not trustworthy and you have no choice but to “live alone with no trust.”

    You didn’t ask any question in your post. My suggestion is that you review the assumptions I listed above for accuracy. Since your conclusion is to “live alone with no trust” is based on some or all of these assumptions, better question them, look for evidence for or against, get feedback from some people. I will follow your post to see if you respond and I will in turn further respond.
    anita

    July 6, 2015 at 3:12 pm #79407
    Sue
    Participant

    Thank you Matt for your thoughtful words – you have some valuable advice there for me and it’s much appreciated.

    July 6, 2015 at 3:17 pm #79408
    Sue
    Participant

    Hi Anita, without living through what I did it must seem like most of my comments are assumptions, but they are indeed the truth. The young man was an opportunist – he used to admit living off of his girlfriend’s money and thought it was cool – but I was just too much in the grief cycle to see clearly.

    I don’t want to write volumes to justify my feelings, but having gone through them, they are valid observations, and I was unfortunate enough to have picked the wrong person to trust. There are lots of kind people out there but I will be more cautious who I befriend in the future.

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