Hi Anita. You mentioned your “inner girl” and how she felt defective and rejected. I know first hand how hard that is for a child to deal with emotionally and how it can leave lifelong scars. I really hope you’ve experienced love and acceptance as an adult, so “she” could heal and shine.

Because I kept the shame locked inside for so many years, its been tough to change that negative core belief. I’ve been making progress however in the last 5 years so that the feelings of shame are not as frequent nor as intense. I was so stressed out over guarding my secret and living a lie, that I knew something had to change. I started the healing 5 years ago by thinking about it more rationally. I was living to please society at the expense of my own happiness. I didn’t have a wife and kids so I wouldn’t be hurting anybody. The way I express my gender identity has nothing to do with my character or integrity. I had even volunteered and served in the military for several years. I proved to society that I could succeed if need be in a masculine role. This rational thinking led me to the realization that I had earned the right to be my authentic self. Then I started telling some long time trusted friends and nobody rejected me. There was some surprise and even shock, but not one person rejected me. That has been the thing I try to focus on when those demons pop up from time to time. Its still a work in progress and I’m so appreciative of your help and support. Talk to you again soon.

Jim/Jamie