June 7, 2015 at 3:16 pm #77818
Matt thank you very much for your compassionate and uplifting words. I wish I could have seen it that way many years ago instead of letting society ruin my self esteem. Although I still struggle, its not nearly as bad as it was growing up. The internet was a big help to me as I found out I was not the only one and could communicate with others like me. I’m healing and still have hope which is the important thing. Thank you again Matt.June 7, 2015 at 3:45 pm #77819
Hi Anita. I hope you are doing well today. Thank you for making me feel better about not telling my mother. I’ve been stuck on that regret for a long time. I can’t go back and change it, so its better to let it go and move on. I was reading one of your other responses where you went into much detail about your abusive mother and that your father left when you were young. I can’t imagine how painful that must have been for a young girl. I feel bad that I’ve been talking about how loving my parents were when you never got to experience that. I apologize if I made you feel worse.
I was rereading some of the early parts of the book to gain a better understanding of mindfulness. At first I thought it was just becoming more aware of the moment, but now I understand it is accepting whatever I’m feeling whether its good or bad. Its not accepting the joyful moments but pushing away the painful ones. Its accepting the negative emotions just as much as I would the positive ones. Am I right? He also states that in time you can do more than accept; you can actually embrace. That one is going to take some work. Do you practice meditation at all? I have yet to try it but I’m determined to give a fair chance. I also want to start journaling. I’ve heard that by writing it out helps a great deal. Please post again soon.
JimJune 7, 2015 at 6:18 pm #77823AnonymousGuest
No worries about sharing that you had loving parents- it makes me feel good that you did. It makes me feel good when I see children who have good enough parents because there is nothing more promising for a better world than good enough parenting. The ills of the world, I believe, orginate in abusive parenting. Even if one person, like you, had good parents, one is stil very likely to be damaged of bad parenting of OTHER people, like your peers in schools, peers who bullied you etc. So good parenting is a good thing.June 7, 2015 at 6:33 pm #77824AnonymousGuest
Oops, I wasn’t finished. No, you didn’t make me feel worse. If you did, would it be that others make me feel better sharing their abusive childhood? No. About mindfulness to which I was seriously introduced for the first time only in 2011. Mindfulness is about recognizing that you are feeling this or that. Thenit is about not feeling a SECONDARY feeling on top of the primary feeling. For example, if I did feel bad about reading that you had good parents, that envy, let’s say, would be the primary feeling in my example. Then if I felt shame about feeling envy, saying to myself: I should be ashamed of myself for feeling envious that Jim/Jamie had good parents, then shame would be the secondary feeling. So, accepting and embracing the envy would mean that i wouldn’t be feeling ashamed over feeling envious.
If you feel fear and then say to yourself: I am a sissy for feeling fearful, then you would be feeling shame (shame sticks to other feelings like hair on soap!) on top of fear, fear being the primary; shame the secondary.
Every feeling carries a message and if you get to the real message you will find out none of your feelings is a condemnation of who you are and all of them are valid and understandable. They are about self protection and seeking to love and be loved… nothing to be ashamed of.
Mindfulness is about changing your RELATIONSHIP with your feelings: first instead of being scared of them and automatically resisting, making a fist figuratively (I often did literally as well)- you relax your muscles, or neurons (over time) and recognize what you feel, then getting posiively curious about what message the feeling has in it, exploring. It is about removing shame from this or that feeling, staying with the original feeling of the moment, removing the “hair” from the soap, so to speak…
I am finding things out every day. It is amazing. I wish I could eradicate all my discomforts, what Matt calls “agitations.” Today I figured I cannot talk myself out of an agitation, applying reason does not work for the repeating agitations i have. I already tried. The neurons spitting the agitating juices in response to triggers have nothing to do with the neurons activated via intellectual, rational thinking. Better recognize an agitation and let it go again and again and again, so those neural connections weaken over time. I suspect if you stay with mindfulness, you will SEE more and more and more. There is no end to seeing…
Good reading your posts and I appreciate your empathy and kindness to me.
anitaJune 9, 2015 at 10:57 am #77942Bethany RosselitParticipant
Changing core beliefs is challenging. You will want to be curious with your own mind. Ask yourself, “Why do I think this?” If the answer is that you think that because someone told you, be curious about that. Just because someone (or a lot of someones) said something does not make it automatically true. Question is based on your own understanding. Why should their words be true?
You have found that just trying to replace old beliefs with new ones doesn’t work. This is because core beliefs exist on a subconscious level. But by asking questions and being curious, you can change your perception.June 9, 2015 at 7:40 pm #77967MattParticipant
In native “matt-ease” they’re called entanglements. 🙂 Working at letting go doesn’t really work, neither does applying mental energy toward them by thinking on top of them. More like, ripples in the pond don’t really change the water, so what’s all the fuss about? Move the mind to the breath, and the ripples fade all on their own. Thoughts float in, float past, emotions rise up and fade, and there is Anita, breathing, the ocean and sky, one.
MattJune 10, 2015 at 6:54 am #77987AnonymousGuest
Dear Jim/Jamie: How are you today?
Matt: thank you for the note. Agitations, entanglements, knots, ripples in the pond- move the mind to the breath and the agitations will fade all on their own. Thank you for your posts, Matt, I have been reading your posts since 2013 here and sometimes copying and pasting your words into my personal files. You are an excellent resource and inspiration. Wow!
anitaJune 10, 2015 at 12:21 pm #78006
Hi Bethany. Thank you for your insight. I was under the impression that core beliefs could be changed. Am I wrong or does is just take many years?
Hi Anita. Thanks for checking on me. I’m doing better. I wanted to tell you about something I read in the book that I’m practicing. He talks about becoming more aware of what your feeling during periods of silence. I’ve never liked being alone and silence during the day always made me feel worse. I would have the TV on all day just for the backround noise and help me feel less alone. Now, first thing in the morning I open the back door instead of turning on the TV. I’m listening and becoming aware of the sounds of nature. I do this for at least a half hour and what a pleasant way to start the day. I used to be afraid of the silence but now I’m finding it very peaceful by becoming more aware. One step at a time. Hope you are well.
Jim/JamieJune 11, 2015 at 9:38 am #78078AnonymousGuest
Thank you for remembering me and sharing with me: it is making me smile (I am smiling as I type this) the change you made, opening the back door instead of turning on the TV. And it is a good thing that you can hear the sounds of nature when you open that door!
Sounds make a difference. Part of me still trembles at the memory of sounds of screaming, my mother crying and wailing and screaming… When I was 23 or so i spent one night in a home with a family of a mother, a father (not my own) and a few children. I slept upstairs. In the morning the sun came through the window by my bed. It was a bright, gentle sun. ANd then I heard what i call since “the whispers in the kitchen.” It was the mother and the father whispering so not to wake up the children (and me, maybe) upstairs. Those were the most beuatiful sounds i heard. When i came downstairs for breakfast, with the children, the mother was standing and the father kissed her before going to work. They were talking in gentle voices. I never forgot that day- the sounds of that day.
Regarding core beliefs, my input (i hope it is okay even though you presented the question to another)- core beliefs can be changed of course, over time, through insight and skills and practice. I am very familiar with the process.
Continue to take care of yourself. Later:
anitaJune 13, 2015 at 12:44 pm #78171
Hi Anita. Hope you are having a nice weekend. Yes I am lucky that I get some of the sounds of nature. I live in a quiet townhouse complex with some woods and a small creek right behind me. I am learning to be aware of and really appreciate the quiet sounds of nature early in the morning. And also I’m taking in the sight of the morning sunlight shining against the green trees. I’ve taken trips before to see grand nature settings but I’m learning that I can take in nature’s beauty right here at home on a daily basis.
I’m sure that special morning you had at the friends house will never be forgotten. To experience what its like to wake up in a quiet, loving home. I just wish it could have been like that for you all the time, in your own house.
Thanks for your insight about core beliefs. I’m my case, I first felt something different about me at age 5. My core belief became that I was “defective” and therefore unworthy of acceptance. I became terrified of rejection so I guess thats why I was too scared to tell anybody. I still have a lot of that “fear of rejection” to this day. Maybe if I make good progress on my mindful relationship with my shame emotions, it will carry over into changing that core belief.
Bye for now,
Jim/JamieJune 14, 2015 at 10:22 am #78191AnonymousGuest
Thank you for your sentiment about wishing that morning in 1983 was what i normally experienced at “home.” i wish it was so.
I too live around nature and enjoy the sounds in the morning, not including the Beagles barking from the neighbor’s house.
Regarding your “defective” core belief and the fear of rejection based on that core belief, I sure hope you make progress with it. In my experience, having shared that core belief of being defected and therefore rejectable, still in the process of dis-believing it, I found that it is only within a safe enough relationship with another person that I could heal it. In my experience… my child-part/ inner child has been so scared for so long that no way is it coming out of its hiding place unless is it absolutely sure it is not going to be rejected. No amount of self help books or thinking logically was going to do it. It has been only the very experience of being accepted and loved (for a long time) that could convince my child part that she will not be rejected.
What do you think? How can you change your defective/ rejectable core belief?
anitaJune 16, 2015 at 7:12 am #78316
Anita I have a lot to say in response. I’ve been swamped the last few days and I want to give it the time it deserves. I hope you are doing well and I’ll talk to you in a day or two. Bye for now.
JimJune 16, 2015 at 8:07 am #78323AnonymousGuest
Thanks for the note. Will ‘talk’ to you soon.
anitaJune 17, 2015 at 1:27 am #78366ShareeParticipant
I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad about yourself.
Therapy and hypnosis are good for getting at core beliefs. I can also recommend a great book by Byron Katie called “The Work” which very quickly helps us to turn these beliefs on their head.
I know that our core beliefs form the lens that we view the world through, so if you believe you are a bad person, you are going to subconsciously look for evidence of this disapproval in your life to confirm your belief, and subconsciously filter out anything that disproves this. My advice would be to start looking for all of the evidence in your life that proves to you that you are a good person. You could start collecting or recording positive things that others have said about you, things that you are proud of or that you really like about yourself and remember times when you felt loved or accepted by others. The more you do this the more you will rewire your brain to think a new belief, that you are a wonderful person worthy of love and respect.
Even these posts are good evidence, the people here don’t know you but we all obviously think you are a good person who deserves help and support 🙂
ShareeJune 17, 2015 at 9:41 pm #78416
Hi Anita. You mentioned your “inner girl” and how she felt defective and rejected. I know first hand how hard that is for a child to deal with emotionally and how it can leave lifelong scars. I really hope you’ve experienced love and acceptance as an adult, so “she” could heal and shine.
Because I kept the shame locked inside for so many years, its been tough to change that negative core belief. I’ve been making progress however in the last 5 years so that the feelings of shame are not as frequent nor as intense. I was so stressed out over guarding my secret and living a lie, that I knew something had to change. I started the healing 5 years ago by thinking about it more rationally. I was living to please society at the expense of my own happiness. I didn’t have a wife and kids so I wouldn’t be hurting anybody. The way I express my gender identity has nothing to do with my character or integrity. I had even volunteered and served in the military for several years. I proved to society that I could succeed if need be in a masculine role. This rational thinking led me to the realization that I had earned the right to be my authentic self. Then I started telling some long time trusted friends and nobody rejected me. There was some surprise and even shock, but not one person rejected me. That has been the thing I try to focus on when those demons pop up from time to time. Its still a work in progress and I’m so appreciative of your help and support. Talk to you again soon.