Hi Sann,

I understand why you might be frustrated – having to do your own work and then having someone else interfere with it. Have you been forwards in telling her that you think it’s time she do things for herself? Sometimes people have learned helplessness or co-depdency issues where they think they can’t do anything on their own. Sometimes people are just going through other things in their life. Sometimes people just don’t get it and are actually lost and they have no idea that people are being bothered because they initially seemed so happy to help.

This situation may be making you fearful because you may be viewing it as a win/lose situation. You said “I don’t know how to put my boundaries because i’m so full of fear. I’m now already afraid how she will react, that she will start shouting and be the stronger one and that i will ‘lose’ again.” I don’t necessarily think it’s a win/lose situation as you two are different people. I’m not sure if this has become some sort of a competition, but if you think so then just ask her directly. Maybe she was doing work for you in order to please you or be closer to you again? Maybe she felt like you did a lot for her, so she wanted to help you out?

You said that you began distancing yourself from her and then you say “Now we are not doing very well with communicating, and i feel that she doesn’t do much effort to even communicate with me about what she is going to do or what’s happening.” Maybe you should make some effort as well and ask her? Although I understand why you’re upset, I don’t think It’s fair that you are making all of these assumptions without talking to her about it. By assumptions – I mean that you think she is trying to take your space or that she will yell if you confront her. Let her know how you feel and see how she responds. A lot of the time, we can only see our own struggle and not the other person’s struggle. I’m not saying that you should allow her to treat you badly if she is, but she may not be able to see how you are feeling. On the other hand, she may be able to see that you are agitated by her and is trying to help you by doing things for you without asking for help/telling you anything.

I will be honest and say that I have been in the place of your co-worker. I was depressed and really wanted people to like me in the workplace, so I would do parts of their tasks for them. Nobody directly told me that I was asking for too much help. There were lots of rude comments going around on how they had to work for their spot or what not, while I was getting off easily. It was the most toxic environment I have ever worked in. People were distant and being very clique-y. In the end, I was blamed for being too quiet and being the one who didn’t want to interact with them.

A little bit of compassion and honesty can go a long way.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Annie.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Annie.