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i need to learn to stand up for myself

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  • #82111
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have been starting several threads recently, where i asked people for support or insight. And i don’t like it, because i feel i don’t have much to offer. I feel like i’m only taking, and not giving back.
    But at the same time, i think it might be good to ask for help, to help me to become stronger. I hope i will become more capable if i learn to ask more for help, so that eventually i will be able to help others.

    I don’t know if i write this at the right spot. It’s related to a work situation at the moment, but basically it’s about emotional mastery and it happens in more occasions than only my work.

    I am very sensitive, very shy and careful not to bother other people. I try a lot to adapt to others, not to take too much space, to find out what they want and then respect that.
    As you can guess, i have difficulty standing up for myself.
    Recently i’m starting to be really annoyed with that. I think i am very nice to others, and some others, easily go over my boundaries or take to much. Overpower me.
    Now i have this difficulty with one of my colleagues at work. I started there a couple of months ago and she started a few months later. She is quite a bit older than me. In the beginning she was very insecure, leaning hard on me. And i gave her all the support that i could, much more than i could. After a while i started to realise that it was draining me and that i don’t have to be her personal babysitter, or guardian angel. So i started to take more distance, not replying to everything and not jumping for everything she needed. (often when i tell her things, she doesn’t even listen or a bit later she has already forgotten it, so i can just keep feeding her information). Now we are not doing very well with communicating, and i feel that she doesn’t do much effort to even communicate with me about what she is going to do or what’s happening. I gave up on that quite a while ago. Sometimes she is not very nice to me. Sometimes we have a nice time, a laugh or a nice chat in our break, but i feel more and more that i have to force myself for it.

    In the morning there is a task that i have been doing since quite a while, i have learned it in this work and was difficult in the beginning but now i’ve learned to do it well and be relaxed with it, and i like it. I felt often that she was trying to come in with that, that she kept trying to ‘help’ me, while i find it much easier to do it alone. The way she wants to help me, and she being so agitated, is more disturbing than helping. (when other people help me with that, no problem, because they are relaxed and i know that they are in control over what they are doing. with her i feel that she is more trying to break in into my task – if that makes sense).
    This morning she just started to prepare for that task and then put herself there, to wait until the task started. I concluded: ‘ok she wants to do it. I don’t want to go fighting with her that i want to do it because that would feel childish. And i’d like to be above that, not have my ego saying that i want to do it, and i just do something else to make myself useful.’ So i went to do something else, that usually she does.

    But it didn’t feel good, and still does. She just took over my place, and the way she did it, felt quite rude. Without talking about it to me, just starting to do it, and refusing to do the other work until she was needed there. I tend to get paranoid – do they think i’m not good enough with this work, do they like her company more cause she’s much more talkative. But i don’t think anyone else told her that she has to do it now, i think that she just wanted to take over my place and found it very easy that i didn’t even say anything.

    I’m quite annoyed that again, i let her take away my space so easily. My therapist also told me, that i need to put my boundaries, and tell her that i will do it.
    I don’t know how to put my boundaries because i’m so full of fear. I’m now already afraid how she will react, that she will start shouting and be the stronger one and that i will ‘lose’ again.
    I really need to learn to take my space because it is making my life quite miserable that i always let everyone else go first, everyone else decide what will happen, let everyone walk over me basically. I don’t have any control over my life and i’m not enjoying my life anymore.

    This is of course one example but it happens more often in other situations of course.

    This morning i was thinking, should i look for an other job, but that’s nonsens. First of all, it is not easy to find a job in the town where i live. And also, it would be running away from a difficult situation, it wouldn’t be any good at all, difficulties will come back in the next job. And thirdly, i like that place. The people are so nice, the atmosphere is so nice, even the bosses are so relaxed and friendly, i find it incredible to work in such a lovely place and love it more and more. Only i’m not happy there anymore because the way it goes with that woman.
    I think i need to do something about it. I’m starting to think, should i talk about it with somebody, but who? And then i am so afraid to talk with people because ‘what will they think of me’ – ‘is this appropriate…’ – ‘will it work against me…’.
    But it doesn’t feel fair, that i’m doing so much my best to be good for everyone and help everyone, and then have my only close colleague overpowering me so much. I don’t deserve that.
    I have a lot of stress outside of my work, and a lot of sleepless nights lately, and i wonder if it is because i’m so stressed because of that woman, the way it’s always a kind of struggle with her.

    Ok, this is longer than i wanted.
    What it comes down to is that i need to learn to take my space, to stand my ground or how do you say these kinds of things. To stand up for myself and learn to get over my fear of other people. I often say ‘i want to learn to be a more friendly person and not put my ego first, not put my own wants first’, but i think that is just a big excuse to avoid confrontation.

    If anyone reads this, and has any thoughts or experiences, would be very appreciated.

    #82157
    Icy
    Participant

    I was just thinking about standing up for myself today. I too am having a hard time at work and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t like confrontation and it makes it worse that the person I have an issue with is my boss. I’ve been working with this person for years but it just seems they keep getting worse. I’m in a two person office and my boss will listen to very loud music during the day, take up the entire kitchen area and leave messes everywhere, and constantly leaves my office door open when I want it closed…he has no respect for me or my office area and is so inconsiderate it is unbelievable.

    You are not alone and I wish I had some advice for you. I would like to see what others say as well. I’ve mentioned a few things to my boss a while ago and it will be ok for a couple days and then it will just go back to how it was. I’ve applied for other jobs and I get no where even though I have lots of experience and a degree. I’m afraid I’m just going to blow up because I’m so aggravated one day but I don’t want to go off in a yelling rage, I want to be professional even though my boss is not. Plus when I’ve brought up things before this boss just acts like its no big deal and tries to laugh it off. It’s very discouraging.

    We have to find a way that we can just relax and realize nothing bad will happen to us if we respectfully stand up for ourselves…the world won’t end…you won’t get punched in the face…it will be ok. It is easy to say but hard to do unfortunately.

    Maybe Anita can weight in on this…she has some fantastic advice.

    #82161
    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Sann,

    I understand why you might be frustrated – having to do your own work and then having someone else interfere with it. Have you been forwards in telling her that you think it’s time she do things for herself? Sometimes people have learned helplessness or co-depdency issues where they think they can’t do anything on their own. Sometimes people are just going through other things in their life. Sometimes people just don’t get it and are actually lost and they have no idea that people are being bothered because they initially seemed so happy to help.

    This situation may be making you fearful because you may be viewing it as a win/lose situation. You said “I don’t know how to put my boundaries because i’m so full of fear. I’m now already afraid how she will react, that she will start shouting and be the stronger one and that i will ‘lose’ again.” I don’t necessarily think it’s a win/lose situation as you two are different people. I’m not sure if this has become some sort of a competition, but if you think so then just ask her directly. Maybe she was doing work for you in order to please you or be closer to you again? Maybe she felt like you did a lot for her, so she wanted to help you out?

    You said that you began distancing yourself from her and then you say “Now we are not doing very well with communicating, and i feel that she doesn’t do much effort to even communicate with me about what she is going to do or what’s happening.” Maybe you should make some effort as well and ask her? Although I understand why you’re upset, I don’t think It’s fair that you are making all of these assumptions without talking to her about it. By assumptions – I mean that you think she is trying to take your space or that she will yell if you confront her. Let her know how you feel and see how she responds. A lot of the time, we can only see our own struggle and not the other person’s struggle. I’m not saying that you should allow her to treat you badly if she is, but she may not be able to see how you are feeling. On the other hand, she may be able to see that you are agitated by her and is trying to help you by doing things for you without asking for help/telling you anything.

    I will be honest and say that I have been in the place of your co-worker. I was depressed and really wanted people to like me in the workplace, so I would do parts of their tasks for them. Nobody directly told me that I was asking for too much help. There were lots of rude comments going around on how they had to work for their spot or what not, while I was getting off easily. It was the most toxic environment I have ever worked in. People were distant and being very clique-y. In the end, I was blamed for being too quiet and being the one who didn’t want to interact with them.

    A little bit of compassion and honesty can go a long way.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Annie.
    #82173
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Sann,

    If I’m understanding you correctly, this lady is taking over your task? If that’s the case, just tell her ‘You know what? I can take over now. Thanks for your help.’

    And that’s it. Short and sweet.

    You have to protect what’s yours when it comes to working with other people. Most people at work are self serving and don’t care about you. So you really shouldn’t care about them. That doesn’t mean you have to act like b-tch. But you really have to train people not to mess with you. And that only comes from reacting in the moment. Constantly. Until it’s natural to be that way. Be polite yet firm. Always firm. And don’t engage in a long back and forth–just stick to your position.

    Fight for yourself! If you don’t fight, you can’t win. And you deserve to win!

    Good luck! 🙂

    Pink

    #82876
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi, thank you so much for your replies. Sorry i didn’t reply earlier – for me it’s a sign of respect or gratitude to reply when somebody does the effort to read my story and reply to it. I was busy and struggling with my moods because of the tiredness and probably stress at work.

    Icy, i’m sorry you are having such a difficult situation at work. Yes it’s probably a lot harder when it’s your boss. I’d find it a lot harder to say something when that person is above you. I don’t know what to say to you as i’m struggling with these things myself. I had a few situations at work where the person above me was doing something that i didn’t consider kind (like, watching football at very busy moments when even some machines weren’t working, and leaving us alone with all the busy work), but luckily that doesn’t happen too often. I can’t imagine saying something to those persons. I hope things will get better for you in some way.

    We have to find a way that we can just relax and realize nothing bad will happen to us if we respectfully stand up for ourselves…the world won’t end…you won’t get punched in the face…it will be ok. It is easy to say but hard to do unfortunately.

    Very well said. It’s difficult yes, but we will only make some progress (however slow it might be), if we try it.
    I often tell myself: it’s only work, don’t bother so much, go there and leave it behind you when you’re done. But that’s again my avoidance-attitude. It’s work, and also there i have to learn to let myself be respected. I don’t know how to go about it. It’s such a habit already to let that woman walk over me, and it has probably made me see some things, that towards some people you need to make strong boundaries. I can try to learn to put boundaries now, but now she nows very well that she can treat me in any way, it will be hard to turn this around, so it’s mostly about me trying to practice something.

    #82877
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * A note to Icy: I just read your comment about my advice, thank you!

    Dear Sann:

    I re-read your original post this morning. About the woman in your workplace. You wrote that she is an insecure and agitated woman.

    I think she is one of the many people who do not view assertiveness, that is a win for me- win for the other interactions and relationships, as a possibility. For her it is either she is passive, lose for her, win for the other, or she is aggressive, win for her, lose for the other. So when she comes across a person she perceives as strong, she will automatically assume the submissive position, like a dog lying on its back with belly exposed. When she perceives a person as weak, she will assume the dominant dog position.

    In the beginning she was weak, too weak to take on the Winning role with you. Once she felt stronger, she was ready to do the I-win: You-lose thing. And so she did. If you observe that woman interacting with others, with someone assertive or aggressive (same thing for her because she doesn’t see the difference)- you will likely see, I am thinking, that she acts submissive to that person.

    I think that a lot of aggressive people are like that. And even though you are now in the habit of being the one submissive to her and she is in the habit of being the one dominant to you, I think you will be amazed- if you try it- to find out how EASY it is to get her to switch to her submissive position. The moment you express firm assertiveness (or aggressiveness, she won’t be able to tell the difference)- she will switch. And you will say to yourself: THIS is all it took? You will be amazed how weak the… opponent is.

    It could be a good exercise for you. Remember you wrote she is insecure and agitated? You have a weak opponent. And even though you would like, I assume, to have a kinder, more evolved, mutually respectful interactions with all people, it is not realistic to have those with people bent on the dynamics I described. Just “bark” at her once, I mean, no apologies for “barking”- none of that, just “bark”- and you will be amazed.

    anita

    #82878
    Sann
    Participant

    Annie – your post was interesting. You wrote it partly because of your own experience, and you bring up a lot of possibilities for reasons why things are going that way and some suggestions.
    I would like to reply to a lot of things but i don’t want to make this post too long. I will try my best to keep it more or less short.

    You say: there might be issues of helplessness or co-dependency..
    I can only speak for myself: i think that i have an issue with co-dependency. I have a long history (from early childhood on) of supporting others, who often leaned very easily on me, and doing everything i could to help them. Until it made me completely empty and not caring about myself anymore. So it is important for me to learn to get to know my own boundaries and it will still be a long progress.
    So when this woman came in at work, so nervous and anxious, and needing my help, i was going far beyond my own limits to support her, to reassure her, to tell her she doesn’t need to be afraid it’s a really nice place to work and everybody is nice… To show her how the work is done… Times and times again. Until i realised that i was doing that same old pattern again so i tried to stop it. But she was already so used that i was always available to her and that my patience was endless… And yes, of course it probably wasn’t nice to suddenly not reply to everything anymore, and if she shouted i sometimes ignored her for a short moment. But i think it was necessary to do something to try to stop this kind of contact.

    I think i can say that i tried quite a lot of times to talk to her, and to ask her to communicate with me. Also the day after the incident with this post, i tried to talk to her how i felt about the way she went about it, without even talking with me, and she didn’t seem to understand. One day she just left, she told me she was going to so something for 2 minutes and left me with the rest of the work, later i heard that she had left a long time ago. I was angry. The next time i saw her i asked her what happened and she just said that she was finished, which she obviously wasn’t. I tried to ask her, if she wants to leave early, to just tell me and i wouldn’t mind, but this was strange. She kept telling me that she was done and that there was no problem. But i feel like shit if they do like that. And again, yesterday she did the same, so she doesn’t seem to care about how this feels for me. In the beginning, i tried to tell her a lot of times, to clean up things after herself because i was always doing it after her and didn’t want to do that. But i don’t like being a nag, so i do it a lot less. And because i’m so frustrated with this, i don’t know how to say it in a nice way. When i do she just tell me that it’s not true and give me a look of ‘what are you bothering about now’.

    Yes, there might be issues with her and reasons or difficulties that she had, but is it my task, to find those issues and to support her with that? Don’t get me wrong, for a long time, i was always doing that: trying to understand why somebody acted to me in a certain way, trying to support them… I’ve gone way too for in that tendency and i usually don’t even know anymore if my boundaries are being stepped on. My therapist is making a lot of effort to make me see that it is not my task to think in other people’s place and to solve their problems for them – that is why i mentioned the co-dependency in the beginning of this post.

    For a long time i told myself, she just can’t help it, she doesn’t think. She forgets everything, and often if they tell us what to do, when we are upstairs she has already forgotten it or messed it up. Often after work she forgets to bring the things back to the office like keys etc. So i have taken on the role to watch, to remind her the whole time about what we need to do and what we should wait, to ask her if she has given her keys back… Certain things i’ll just do myself because it is easier. I have never complained about her running off straight away and leaving me with the tidying and put things back or replenish things for tomorrow. I just do them – i don’t mind cause i’m paid for it, but i’m often anxious about what the bosses will think that i’m often finishing 15 or more minutes later.
    But now, i don’t know about that: she just doesn’t know any better. I notice the different way she acts to me when we are alone and to me when there are other people around, and the way she does to other people. So i can only think, that’s because she knows very well, that i let her do that, that she doesn’t need to respect me because i clean up her mess anyway without complaining.

    No, i don’t think that she is treating me badly, in her eyes, and she doesn’t realise how it feels for me, she doesn’t understand it. And i don’t want to bother about it because that’s just useless. She just seems to think about herself and want to make a good impression. I am the quiet one and quite shy, and she’s always talking and always saying to the boss like: look how wonderful i did, look how great i am, that kind of talk. But nobody sees how much i’m trying to help her in the background because i don’t go around boasting about that. And i am worrying about after summer, when it gets quiet at work, will they only keep one of us, so will they prefer her, because she is so good at talking? I know i shouldn’t worry about it. Unless i tell my frustrations to the boss, which i probably won’t. So then i think i should just keep doing my work good and see what happens.
    Ok i think this post is way too long, and i have the feeling i am defending myself to you.

    And it’s silly cause i’m trying to not think about her anymore outside of the work hours, and when she is not there, and here i am writing ages on a post about her.

    I do think that in the first place i need to stick up for my own place, but in reality i’m moving in the other direction again. Giving her everything how she wants it and keeping all my frustrations for myself.
    And i don’t seem to manage to have an honest talk because i feel that just gets taken advantage of or laughed away. So the easiest thing for me is to avoid and NOT stick up for myself.

    #82880
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi Pink,

    Thank you for your short and sweet advice.

    Most people at work are self serving and don’t care about you.

    That is something that i find hard to get. Because i’m too much the opposite. And i’m lucky that many people there at the workplace are not like that, but very helpful and relaxed. In my previous workplace as well, we would help each other when we could. Not always the same but i don’t mind about that, as long as we can work together in a nice way. For me it’s already natural that i’m helping them more than they do, but i usually don’t mind that.
    This woman is a strong exponent of this quote of you and i’m still trying to accept that. That is not the way i want to live, even though i should become a bit like that.

    I think you say it right: train people not to mess with you. And i don’t seem to be doing well in relation to that woman. Only yesterday i decided it was a bit ridiculous that i’d jump away so easily for her just because she decides that she wants to do my task. So i told her i’d do it and she said ok. But she still stayed there and started to do some things involved. So we got into a kind of discussion, she told me ‘yes but i’ll do it as well’ – 1 person is enough. So i kept quiet until she left. I was glad with that experience but now i feel that i have done this, i should keep quiet in my corner again for a week. It is a struggle and i hope to learn something from it, but perhaps i will have to respect that i will only progress in my own pace.

    I think i will also have to train myself in having the right attitude from the beginning on. Learn to take on a bit of a stance to look more confident and to make it more clear that my space is there to be respected. Not to try to please them but observe them more.

    With this woman it might be hard to change things but i will have to try.

    Thank you so much for your support.

    #82881
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply, it’s often interesting to read your views on things.
    I have to let it soak in a bit what you said. I think you are right, she doesn’t do assertiveness.

    Yes i feel it’s harsh to do it the way you write it, but i have already seen a lot of times, that it doesn’t work to try to open a conversation with her and talk like 2 adult people on how to arrange things.
    I have tried to ‘bark’ at her, at least, to say her things and try to make it sound short and more curtly, i don’t know to which extent i managed. And in the beginning she reacted anxious and would run to do whatever she forgot. Now she just tells me that it’s not true or that it isn’t a problem. She feels so at ease there now and she knows that she can mess around with me.
    Maybe i’ll try to bark harder but it is really not my way of doing things, it feels so wrong.

    Often i even act very sociable to her, laughing and making jokes. That seems to be something that i do when i’m afraid of people, i seem to pretend that we are friends or something, but it is so tiring. It might be better to go back to being short and quiet with her, more the way that i feel towards her. She knows more of my personal life than the others, it’s a very silly way of me to try to feel safe around ‘unsafe’ people.

    I just can’t wait for the end of the busy season and hoping that she won’t work there anymore. But that’s not the best way, cause i want to see what i can learn from this situation.

    #82887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    It would have been nice IF reality was not what it is. It would have been nice IF you could be honest and act like what feels right to you (right or …easy?) and that she would react honestly and you would help each other, win-win. So, do we act according what feels right (or easy) no matter the results are negative for us, again and again. Or do we consider the results of our actions, how effective in reality our actions are?

    To insist that we are doing the right thing for us because it feels right (…or easy) in spite of the fact that it brings us the results we do not want, again and again, with the same person, is that effective?

    Of course it is not wise to choose to have an intimate relationship with this woman, marry her, but there you are stuck with her for now in a work situation, what do you do? Practice BARKING, again adn again and stick to it. What do you have to lose?

    anita

    #82933
    lovelimess
    Participant

    That is a lot of emotional stress that you seem to have concerning your co-worker.
    Where is the boss? Supervisor? Someone higher up to assist you in dealing with this?

    Too many Indians and no chiefs = craaziness

    #82975
    jock
    Participant

    Ah boundaries! That is such hard one for me too.
    I like to give a relaxed, easygoing persona in the beginning. Little do I realise that those first encounters with people are crucial in setting up a pattern of either respect or disrespect; in my case disrespect. How can I expect people to respect me if I don’t respect myself?
    I have to be determined to create a new pattern with people and encounters. Listen respectfully to them but have your radar on for any subtle rudeness. As soon as you notice it, nip it in the bud. “why do you say that?”.
    My new persona is less friendly, more cautious in the beginning. Keep conversation superficial for a while but if I feel a slight doubt about the speaker’s attitude, question them “oh that’s interesting ..mmm why do you say that?” Avoid gossip or any negativity. Make your values clear. Don’t be afraid to disagree. Don’t be anxious to please above all.

    #83200
    Sann
    Participant

    Hi sorry for my late reaction. I wanted to wait a few days to try to think about it.
    Anita, yes, you are right. The win-win, and helping each other, i have that with most people there and that is wonderful, that it is possible. I like giving and with those people i can do that, because they also look after me and give to me. But indeed, i have to know with who i can do that, and put up a big wall with certain people. It’s now not only anymore about that task – now it is evolving that the boss wants me to do an other task, which means that i’m learning a new, interesting skill, so i’m happy with that. But it is in general with the way she behaves about me – i won’t start boring you with all the details.
    I don’t know about the barking though. It is not my style, and my experience tells me that it doesn’t work with her. If i try to bark with her, she just barks back, and louder than me, and i get afraid. If i try to discuss with her, she will keep denying what i see, even though she is clearly lying. So i’m trying more the silent approach, trying to say ‘i do this’ – or whatever it is about and not discussing too much, but staying with what i first said. That seems to fit me better, and to work better towards her. She will argue a bit and then go.

    Thank you for pointing it out so nice each time: “the right thing… or easy?” i have some work learning to see the difference between those 2 things. I can be very good at self-deception.


    @Lovelimess
    , yes i find it difficult to go talk to the boss. There are a few bosses, but they are so laid-back and not caring too much, that i don’t know who would be best to talk to and if it would make sense. And then i am worrying so much: what are they going to think about me etc, that keeps me back from it. And then i say to myself “i don’t like to be the kind of person that goes complaining to the boss about a co-worker, that is childish” – which are probably excuses again.
    Anyway these days she is making it worse in her attitude towards me, at the moment i’m just letting it happen but i’m starting to think to say something to the boss. Hopefully i manage to do that one of those days, because that would be the right thing to do. I think i have done more than my share in trying to talk with her.

    Jack, thank you for your reply, i try to reply you tomorrow, tired now.

    I am trying to work on it, but is goes very slow, i guess i’ll have to accept that.

    #83224
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sann:

    I wasn’t aware that she barked back when you did “bark” at her. I thought she would take the submissive role if she was barked at by you or by anyone. So “barking” at her doesn’t work, you tried and it doesn’t work. Discussing things with her, giving her your honest input and listening to her (dishonest) input doesn’t work either. Sounds like the silent approach you take is better than the barking or the discussing. Not perfect but the better of the three options mentioned here. I am glad other relationships at the workplace are win-win-

    Best to You, Sann-

    anita

    #83309
    Sann
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. Yes it is nice that other relationships are win-win, thanks to that place i am learning more about myself, i am learning to see that i am very nice and helpful (haha, i’d never imagined saying that about myself so easily 🙂 ) and it is nice to be able to share that with people, instead of feeling that i am stupid because of it.
    But that woman is perhaps also doing me a favor, because i need to learn that i can not be like that to everybody, to some people i do need to keep my defences and set boundaries. I think i have let it come way to far with her in these 3 months, and i think she knows way too well that she can treat me in any way she wants.
    The past week, every day that we worked together (which is 3 days per week, but that’s more than enough), she ran off way before we wore finished. I didn’t say anything, i didn’t ask her to stay. Yesterday it was the same, she came to throw something there that she had used and that i needed, and she said ‘see you next week’, i answered her ‘whatever’, as i was getting quite annoyed with the way she leaves and the way she does it. She even started to give out to me and to yell at me that i shouldn’t have said ‘whatever’, that all i had to say is bye. So i said bye and kept going with my work. Perhaps ‘whatever’ wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but i don’t think it’s that unreasonable, considering the way she leaves me with the rest of the work (not a big problem, cause i’m paid for it, but she doesn’t do it in a nice way).
    So i’m just hoping that she’ll be let off in a few weeks, when it gets quieter. I’m just exhausted and don’t manage to let it go, now on my day off it’s still bothering me the whole time.


    @Jack
    , thank you for your reply and advice. It is very helpful to me.
    Yes i guess that is what we need to do. I am usually so anxious and nervous that i don’t even manage to choose a persona, that i usually talk in a very shy and anxious way, which already tells loads about me. I will have to put work into practising taking on a more confident kind of attitude, especially in the beginning. Being quiet, making small conversation, and observing more, not trying to please and to make a good impression. But focussing more on what impression they make on me. And focussing on not helping everybody out in the beginning but taking my own space.
    And i have to learn to be more aware to which contact with which people are actually good and which not. Because now i always mess that up completely. I’m often too shy to talk to people who are nice and build up a contact with them, and people who i’m afraid of (like that woman), i will talk with a lot and trying to please them, to pretend that all is well.
    Oh that all sounds so nice and easy to write it down… ha ha.. Perhaps i’ll get there in the end.

    May i ask you, did it take you long to learn that? Was it a long time of trying and error, or how did you go about it?
    I know that might be a kind of question that is difficult to answer, but perhaps you have some advice on how you changed that.

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