* A note to Icy: I just read your comment about my advice, thank you!

Dear Sann:

I re-read your original post this morning. About the woman in your workplace. You wrote that she is an insecure and agitated woman.

I think she is one of the many people who do not view assertiveness, that is a win for me- win for the other interactions and relationships, as a possibility. For her it is either she is passive, lose for her, win for the other, or she is aggressive, win for her, lose for the other. So when she comes across a person she perceives as strong, she will automatically assume the submissive position, like a dog lying on its back with belly exposed. When she perceives a person as weak, she will assume the dominant dog position.

In the beginning she was weak, too weak to take on the Winning role with you. Once she felt stronger, she was ready to do the I-win: You-lose thing. And so she did. If you observe that woman interacting with others, with someone assertive or aggressive (same thing for her because she doesn’t see the difference)- you will likely see, I am thinking, that she acts submissive to that person.

I think that a lot of aggressive people are like that. And even though you are now in the habit of being the one submissive to her and she is in the habit of being the one dominant to you, I think you will be amazed- if you try it- to find out how EASY it is to get her to switch to her submissive position. The moment you express firm assertiveness (or aggressiveness, she won’t be able to tell the difference)- she will switch. And you will say to yourself: THIS is all it took? You will be amazed how weak the… opponent is.

It could be a good exercise for you. Remember you wrote she is insecure and agitated? You have a weak opponent. And even though you would like, I assume, to have a kinder, more evolved, mutually respectful interactions with all people, it is not realistic to have those with people bent on the dynamics I described. Just “bark” at her once, I mean, no apologies for “barking”- none of that, just “bark”- and you will be amazed.

anita