Dear Chris:

You amaze me: you did think of everything, including support groups. You thought very well about your situation from every angle- your insight is impressive to me. I suppose you have been running around on empty for a long time, taking care of others, caring for others while you need to be taken care of as well. You need to be fueled once in a while yourself. The telephone calls with your fiance are not enough. You need her physical presence. It is understandable.

The Rabbit story, thank you for sharing it here. The Skin Horse said being real doesn’t happen to people who break easily. I would like to add: even people who do not break easily do break. It may take more, but everyone is breakable. Also the Skin Horse said that when you are real you don’t mind being hurt. I disagree: I think any person, like any animal, minds getting hurt. Hurt is real and we all mind it.

You have a good, loving connection with your fiance. I have an idea. I tried it in another context and it works but you have to give it a … real try. When you are anxious and depressed, when you feel that massive void coming, enveloping you next time, imagine your fiance image. See her in your mind’s eye (or look at a photo).

You do carry her image in your mind. She is a person outside of you, of course (stay with me, if you will), but she is also part of your psyche. She is living in your brain. So, next time, bring that image to life. Talk to her and let her talk to you.

You probably did something like that, I am almost sure you did, but I am suggesting taking it a step further. I don’t mean imagining her, i mean bringing a REAL part of YOUR psyche to your attention. When you are afraid and need her presence, she is already with you, her image in your mind, that part of your psyche.

Experiment…?

anita