Thank you everyone for your very sincere reply, it has been a pleasure to read them all.

Dear Jack,

Thank you for making me feel less alone in my mental state. It is quite challenging to achieve this distance from thoughts and emotions, they attack most strongly right before I go to sleep or when I wake up. I am going to actively listen to a meditation tape in those periods. Sometimes it is tempting and easier to just wallow is self pity, I used to love meditation and it’s strange that I now have to apply a bit of force to do it. As for another relationship, I already have! I have very warm feelings for them and I did not go in search of them. They live far and I think that is a good thing right now, the pace is slow and it does allow me to process my thoughts but I don’t enjoy the combination of emotions, I wish to strengthen the affection I have for them and weaken the obsessive thoughts. Slowly I will get there.

Dear Moon,

Your response was great! It filled me with confidence and made me feel strong. I do like to see it as good riddance sometimes but that attitude eventually fades and I remember what we were, a swirl of affection and pain. It is important to remind myself and be reminded that he is not that person anymore and I can’t hang on to that memory. I do deserve better, for a time I thought he was the best out there but his actions disprove that.

Dear Anita,

You answer with a little bit more understanding to my issue and of course you pick up on something that is less clear on the surface, ‘what scares you so much about talking to him?’ My mother said the exact same thing. Yes, I think I am scared, the reason being my work. These obsessive thoughts feel like a small fire right now (you could even liken it to an addiction), communicating with him would be adding fuel, the fire would grow and destroy anything I’m trying to cultivate – that primarily being my Masters. I do a scientific degree and it is very intense, I worked hard to get here and I am petrified that if I saw him right now, it would cause me to loose all focus. I am waiting until early December, when we break for the holidays. Right now, my main focus is to get through this first semester and find a healthy way to manage these obsessive thoughts.

I am sorry for your experiences with OCD, I understand it can be debilitating. I take a few psychiatric modules, I know a lot about SSRI’s and they are not something I want to resort to but I am desperate to stay focused.

Dear Al,

Your response was beautiful. I feel that due to my age and life experiences, your view is incredibly wise but beyond me at this point, to have that level-headedness and balance is not something I have quite mastered yet but I wish to grow into a person with your attitude. I will re-read your response and learn from it – I like the abstract manner you present life, it makes it easier to not take hurtful actions personally. I try not too, but it’s the lack of respect his actions scream that haunts me. Hopefully I’ll get beyond that soon.