Dear RecoveringPerfectionist:

It is funny, in a sad way, that your parents felt you thought they were not good enough, too redneck. the funny, sad thing is that as a child they, your father was EVERYTHING to you, god all mighty, and you wanted nothing more than his approval. It was not that he was not good enough (what a clueless, distorted thinking on their part)- it is that he was unquestionably perfect in your mind when you were a child. The message your father gave you when working on cars, when not paying loving attention to you otherwise, is that you were not good enough.

You loved your father (and mother) completely, but your love did not make him happy, did not seem to reach him as he was distressed, unhappy day after day. He did not reach down to you and told you: my boy, I am so happy you are my son. I am so happy you are in my life.

So, you focused on getting the right tools, so to speak, doing it right.

I was wondering, you mentioned the (Buddhist) ego that you are trying to live without. I think it is impossible and there may be a trap there, in trying to accomplish the impossible. Can you explain what you mean by “ego”?

anita