Dear Michael2:

As the social being that you are, (humans are social animals), you NEED someone out there, other than you kids, another adult to interact with in an intimate way, express your true thoughts and feelings and have the other person listen to you, “get you”, mirror to you that your feelings are valid, understandable. It is a real, biological need. It is in our genes as humans, a product of millions of years of evolution.

Your only such person was that woman and she betrayed your trust, cheated on you with another man- the devastation is immense! She was the only one. Superficial contacts with others may be nice but we need so much more, always have. Without that one person, you are lost. The job situation is an ingredient in your state of mind, but nothing in comparison to losing the only close adult relationship you had.

You know the riddle of when a tree falls in the forest and there is no one to hear it fall, does it make a sound? You are like that tree. If no one hears you, do you exist? This is how strong the SOCIAL part of us is. We NEED someone to hear us, to see us, to notice us, to CARE, so to exist.

When no one, no adult seems to care, existing loses its appeal, doesn’t it?

And there is the issue of you OWING it to your kids to stay alive and get well. Since you have a good enough relationship with them, since you are a positive force in their lives (?)- you don’t want to devastate them by eliminating their father…Committing suicide will be a crime against them.

What to do?

Here I am, a stranger, can’t see me, but I am a person who “sees” you, even now, after only reading two posts from you, I know you more than all the people in your town, don’t I? I post here a LOT. I am reliable, I come back here again and again, and whenever I posted to anyone that I will respond- I did. I kept my word and will continue to keep my word.

You can write to me, tell me anything. I will listen to you, read your posts attentively and thoroughly and I will respond. For as long as you are honest and straightforward in your posts, I will respond.

The woman who who you no longer trust, understandably, may be therefore on the way out of your life. You may be already grieving her before it is officially over. The hurt was done, past tense. The hurt she caused you by what she did, that hurt is intense in you- I “see” it. I feel it.

I just felt an excitement about how different things COULD be for you in a few months, in a year that all this will look like a dark time that has passed and is gone. Can you imagine it?

It may be that you will leave the town you are in and move elsewhere (not good for your kids, but better than not having a living dad!) It may be that you will end the injured relationship with this woman and get involved with a decent woman who is trustworthy. Maybe somewhere else.

For now, need to ACCEPT life as is right now. Not resist what is, all the circumstances of your life. Relax into what your life has become, and is. I am sure your hopes were different but it has come to this, to what your life is right now (the good, the bad and the ugly). Imagine that you are a qualified business manager with a clear head, someone very intelligent, wise, clear headed who is transformed into your body and your life AS IS.

What does that qualified, skillful, wise manager do? First relax into your life, see it as is, review it. Accept it. It is better than some, not as good as others’. It is what it is. This way, your thoughts are no longer non stop. You stop panicking. You breathe calmly. You say: okay, this is my life. I am okay with it being this way for now.

Then, from that relaxed, accepting mind set, you make choices to change.

Human contact, here, with me, perhaps with someone else who may post here. Or in a new post that you will start… in any case I will answer whenever I turn on the computer which is every day (unless it dies or the forum dies etc,)

Hope you post again… and again.

anita