Dear Ritu:

Sounds like a highly compartmentalized guy. One compartment in his brain has HER name on it, another compartment has YOUR name on it and the two did not meet, in his brain, until you found out about his baby AND they still do not meet, only acknowledged for the sole purpose of continuing to maintain them separate.

Extreme examples of hard-to-imagine compartmentalization are the Nazis of the concentration camps of WW2- good family men, loving husbands and fathers yet murdering men, women and children with no problems in the camps. The two separate. Another, Ted Bundy, the serial murderer, good boyfriend to his girlfriend, but “on the side” – or acting through another compartment in his brain, raping and murdering women.

Why the extreme examples I ask myself. let’s see: the Nazi said: these are only Jews, they are not real people, they are an inferior species, or they are bad people so they deserve it. My wife and children are worthy people like me, so that is a different story. What might your ex boyfriend have been thinking, I wonder? “This is my wife and business partner and my parents expect me to stay married to her, so I must… and this is my girlfriend whom I love, so I get to love her… Or “This is my wife and I love her…And “This is my girlfriend and I love her…”

I don’t know what he was thinking, but the fact that he consistently lived these two lives means he has compartmentalized successfully. So his two lives did not cause him distress. If he is now distressed it is because he doesn’t have the two lives anymore and is longing to have them both again.

If you see his current distress as he goes after you not as the distress of having had two lives, but as the distress of now NOT having these two lives, well… do you want to alleviate his distress by satisfying one of his now-empty compartments?

Your pain, the pain of betrayal. I am so sorry. I hope you do grieve this understandable pain. Please post again anytime!

anita