Hi Ritu!
I want to say that i feel very sorry for what happened to you. I don’t want to give my opinion because right now i may be a little subjective because of my recently break up and i’m also sure that your problems and feelings are bigger and more serious than mine, but i understood that you want to move on. Well, for me, the best results i had when i started to share my story, although i have the tendency to cry everytime. But that’s ok. It’s better to let your emotions speak when you feel overwhelmed ’cause i can assure you: the next time you will speak again, you won’t feel the same amount of sadness anymore. DON’T hide your feelings, don’t try to “postpone” them, because they will grow bigger and bigger if you pretend it’s not appropiate to deal with them now. Also, it really helpde me to read a lot of quotes and things on this site. Read about your problems, read how to deal with them, how to be happy by yourself, there are many things you can learn.
Also, i downloaded an app which gives me an hourly notification about forgiving myself and those who hurt me, about moving on and not looking back to what others did to me because i have so many opportunities ahead which i might miss if i keep going back to the past. i strongly recommend this kind of self-encouragement if you think you’re not strong enough to remind yourself some things. i also started to just spend time with myself again and NEVER shrink my wishes because they may not be appropiate. No. I do whatever crosses my mind to just feel better. I even started doing yoga three or four times a week because it relaxes the entire body, therefore the mind follows it.
I’m sorry if i have spoken too much about my own experiences, but i really hope you will find some help there, maybe follow whatever catches your eye to feel better. please try to rebuild your happiness after this trauma, don’t pity yourself, don’t let yourself fall in some dark and sad place because it’s really easy to slide on this path, but it’s one of the hardest road to come back from that place. only you know better what makes you happy, so try to listen to your heart as much as possible. And try to forgive: firstly- for yourself, because you deserve peace and tranquility, secondly- for those who hurt you because they can’t undo what they did. find the power to change your thoughts about this experience, you can’t wait for others to change to make you feel better. avoid feelings like anger, disappointment, regret. they will keep you from making progress. and never think about revenge: worst thing ever. let them be happy if this is how their fate should be. who says you can’t be happy as well, even without him? i understand it doesn’t feel fair to you, but i’m sure you have greater things in your future then worry or think how often they smile, how happy they are or other things. they just are how they are and you have no power, so you shoulnd’t think about them in any way. instead, there are a lot of things which you can control in your mind to feel better, so start from there and work your way to the very top of joy.
Move on and rediscover yourself!
please, get better.

Dear Ritu:

Sounds like a highly compartmentalized guy. One compartment in his brain has HER name on it, another compartment has YOUR name on it and the two did not meet, in his brain, until you found out about his baby AND they still do not meet, only acknowledged for the sole purpose of continuing to maintain them separate.

Extreme examples of hard-to-imagine compartmentalization are the Nazis of the concentration camps of WW2- good family men, loving husbands and fathers yet murdering men, women and children with no problems in the camps. The two separate. Another, Ted Bundy, the serial murderer, good boyfriend to his girlfriend, but “on the side” – or acting through another compartment in his brain, raping and murdering women.

Why the extreme examples I ask myself. let’s see: the Nazi said: these are only Jews, they are not real people, they are an inferior species, or they are bad people so they deserve it. My wife and children are worthy people like me, so that is a different story. What might your ex boyfriend have been thinking, I wonder? “This is my wife and business partner and my parents expect me to stay married to her, so I must… and this is my girlfriend whom I love, so I get to love her… Or “This is my wife and I love her…And “This is my girlfriend and I love her…”

I don’t know what he was thinking, but the fact that he consistently lived these two lives means he has compartmentalized successfully. So his two lives did not cause him distress. If he is now distressed it is because he doesn’t have the two lives anymore and is longing to have them both again.

If you see his current distress as he goes after you not as the distress of having had two lives, but as the distress of now NOT having these two lives, well… do you want to alleviate his distress by satisfying one of his now-empty compartments?

Your pain, the pain of betrayal. I am so sorry. I hope you do grieve this understandable pain. Please post again anytime!

anita