Anita,

I’m not really sure why I have so much trouble when it comes to reaching out for help. I don’t know if it’s because I feel that no one would be able to help me…maybe its because I’m afraid of showing “weakness”, or because I worry that the problems I had/have are insignificant in comparison to others’…I don’t know…its a mystery to me. I’m trying to work on this now, because I know its a long standing problem that I’ve had, and I don’t want to return to shutting down and keeping my problems inside with any future relationships that I may have.

I don’t like going to my parents for help, because along the way, I’ve discovered that they have a tendency to play devil’s advocate. I feel that they don’t really listen to me…and afterwards, I usually feel worse than before we even started talking. My parents are very old fashioned in their way of thinking about things, so I usually find myself in disagreement with them…and like I said in an early response (in Max’s topic), I don’t have any friends here locally that I can reach out to for company and conversation, so I feel very alone at times…

I remember that it took me a long time to seek counseling after my exes’ court martial. He and I had gone to marital counseling before, and although I found some of the things the counselor said to be very helpful then, I guess I gave up on the idea of seeking further counseling after I found that he cheated again. After he went into confinement, I found myself having extreme anxiety attacks, that came and went as the months went by. After having an attack one day, I looked at my daughter and thought that if something were to happen to me she would grow up motherless. It scared me and I began to panic – that’s when I decided I needed to get a referral to finally see a counselor. With this breakup, I sought counseling immediately because I was having a hard time focusing on my present. I was breaking down at work, I stopped eating, and I just layed around the house all day thinking about him and the relationship. I didn’t want to wait too long to start therapy again because it reminded me of my last breakup, and I just wanted to avoid those obstacles this time around.

Bringing up my problem with poor communication/keeping my troubles inside, rather than letting them out has gotten me emotional. It’s difficult to type these words now…because I KNOW that I have a problem and I WANT to fix it, but I just don’t know HOW…I constantly doubt myself, I doubt the people around me, and I get angry with myself. Not only that, but it makes me worry about the future and if I’ll even have a better future. I’m afraid that the counseling won’t work, and that I’ll just go back to keeping everything inside, restarting the entire cycle again – which I DON’T want.

I really want to get WELL this time. I want to love myself more, I want to get rid of all the doubt that I have, and the doubt that I have for others. I want to be able to trust again. I want to have healthy and meaningful relationships in my life.