Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me, I need them now more than ever.

I don’t know what she did or who she talked to in the 13 days that have gone by since we had the break up, but she wouldn’t have been able to see her ex because he lives on the other side of the country. I’m sure they talked like they normally do. She probably didn’t make any changes… she just felt the loss of me from her life and was saddened by that. It gave her the feeling like she had to pull me in again. And for that hour and a half on the phone she almost did… but the pain I’ve felt since getting off the phone has only gotten worse. After talking with my best friend, my sister, my mother, and all of you on here… I know that it’s not moving the right way.

I worked up the courage to send her a message. One of closure that I hope she respects this time. It read:

“I know I said we should go a week, and I hate going back on that so quickly. But I have been heavily conflicted since we spoke, to the point where I was breaking into tears in the middle of the night and am now doing it at work. I don’t want to feel this kind of pain anymore. There is certainly a part of me that wants to have your love in my life, but I don’t think it is possible anymore. My reasons are many, though I think the most important is that nothing really has changed. You still feel you can’t commit to me the way I would want you to. I also know you still have feelings for [ex’s name] and wouldn’t be able to cut that off entirely for me. It doesn’t matter if we were to try and take it slow or not because throughout our time together you were trying to slow it down and I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to this time around either. There are just too many what ifs, too serious of doubts, and too many feelings that hurt. It’s still just as messy as it was, and if we try to make it work now I can’t see it being for either of us. I wish I had the strength to try, or the patience to wait, but my emotional capacity has drained. I’m so sorry it can’t work. I think it would be best if we stopped talking for good now and we both moved on from this completely.”

I’ve eradicated any romantic fantasies of how this will play out now. If I see her again in life, then I will assess it all then. If I don’t, I’m probably better off. It’s very difficult to have to kill off whatever love still lingers. But you have all helped me realize that I have to for my own health.