Dear Aislynn:

You are on the right path. Good work! It is not a linear process, that is, it is not going to be better, then even better.. and then even better. There will be progress the regression, then getting stuck… and most people give up at this point. But stick to the process. I learned over time that when I am distressed, the moment I am distressed, this is an opportunity to move forward.

You will have to persist whatever is next.

You describe your mother as a kind woman and you have a lot of empathy for her, so much so that when you are so terribly bullied at school, you didn’t want to burden her with it. This is very kind of you, very loving of you… unfortunately for you, it means you did not have the strong, capable mother who would have been able to support you when you were bullied or otherwise. So you were alone a lot with your fear. I am sorry for that.

I understand now what you meant by father issues. I understand you trying to protect yourself from future abandonment with the young men in your life. But this is a topic for later…

For now, it is about you learning to calm yourself through mindfulness. There is no one else to do the job. I wish I had a strong, capable parent who held me when I was afraid, providing the comfort I needed, who was there for me, strong, so I could relax. If I had such a parent, loving AND strong, I could relax and feel protected. This was not the case and I carried this excess, ongoing fear into my adulthood and it is still an issue for me.

And so it is, I believe, an issue for you, excess, ongoing fear from long ago… and now, you have to be, over time, that strong, capable person that you always needed and did not have.

I like you googling and finding testimonies that encourage you. Take it easy, take it slow, it is a long term process. Focus on overall progress, not perfection.

Post anytime, and until later:

anita