Dear Anita,

Right now, no I cannot fathom myself being calm and clear. My impulses drive me. I plan things and then they happen very differently. Not because of the circumstances, but because I find myself making impulse decisions based on my anxiety. However, being calm and clear is how I picture my future self being.

“I used to think that being sick with anxiety was me, that there was something wrong with me. After all, if THIS is me, there is something wrong with me, a brain defect, some defect. And I had good reasons, so it seemed, to believe I was defected: the Tourette tics were good enough a reason.” My thoughts exactly, about myself. That my brain is messed up, that I am ill. Not a positive thing to think about.

“What I realize is that there was nothing wrong with me, no defect. What happened is: I was injured, harmed as a child and my tics, and other manifestations of my anxiety are the consequences of those injuries inflicted on me.” However, this makes perfect sense as well. I know deep down that my father issues and bullying are what led me to develop anxiety. I was not born with it. This happened because of my experiences.

“the root cause for all is excess, ongoing fear.” So true. Most of these disorders do seem to be out of fear, lots of fear.

“Regarding medications, or as I refer to them controlled, prescribed drugs taken on the basis of (the doctor asking): how do you feel with 50 mg of this? not good enough? Let’s put you on 75 mg. After two weeks: how are you feeling? worse? let’s get you off this medication and get you on this other one.. or let’s add this one…A TRIAL AND ERROR basis), I was on them for 17 years, heavy doses, and my life circumstances got worse over time, reaching a bad state toward the end of those 17 years. Finally off them all since Oct 2013, a hard process getting off, took me 1-2 years.” This sounds scary. A doctor, just toying around to find the right combination and dose, sounds very dangerous, especially considering that they are doctors. I am glad that you were able to get away from the prescription drugs. It’s not something everyone has the strength to do.

Honestly, in regards to my disorder, I am not yet at a place where I believe I need psychotherapy. You know, maybe it’s my disorder that is controlling me to some degree in this aspect that keeps me from seeing that I need help. Right now, I just feel that I need to work on it on my own. I want to see how far I can get on my own.

“feeling more anxious trying to get quiet” Yes, exactly. I can do meditation from time to time, and it really helps, but yoga, I’ve never been able to do so. I looked at the article for restorative yoga, this seems much more manageable than doing regular yoga for me. I am not pressured to do all sorts of poses, just the ones that I feel help me.

For as long as I can remember I’ve had anxiety. I would count the letters on every sign I saw, or street address, not just once, or twice, but more than 6 times. I hated odd numbers, if I found a word with an odd number I would add to it or make it a sentence and I wouldn’t stop until it was even. I would be scared of getting run over, even when crossing the street at the appropriate times. I would have to check the stove, and go into each room more than a few times before leaving the house because I feared something bad would happen if I didn’t. I was scared of missing my bus stop. I would be afraid other cars would hit me while I was driving. I feared others would judge me based on what I wore or said. I would count and analyze everything multiple times, as if I had looked at the information wrong or hadn’t remembered correctly. If I went to a place regularly and something was out of order I’d freak out and think I was going to have a bad day. I couldn’t bring myself to change my schedule. So far, I’ve made progress on my own. Some of these habits are still very present in my life, but they are not as severe as they used to be. I think it has to do with the fact that ever since I graduated high school I am not around people as much. I have been taking some of my classes online and don’t really have to deal with people face to face. Also, it helps that I am an introvert and don’t really like to go out much. But I can’t spend the rest of my life avoiding groups of people, can I?

I don’t think I’ve said this before, but thank you so much for listening to me talk about my anxiety. It’s not something that anyone else I know quite understands. I know a few people with anxiety, but theirs isn’t as bad as mine so they don’t completely get it when they see how much I struggle.

Dear Anita,

They would most probably not take me seriously. My step dad in particular, although a great man, would tell me to get over it. My mother, well she wouldn’t even have a talk with me about it, she’s not too much of a believer on mental disorders, she doesn’t comprehend it and takes it too lightly. I guess this all comes from them being fairly outgoing, and they’re oblivious to other people’s struggles. They don’t see how hard it is to get me to even ask a sales associate where to find a particular item. When we go to the store and we can’t find something they make me go ask around, I guess to them I am just shy and they want to help, but they don’t see how much I struggle with it, how much discomfort it causes me. To them, it is as though if they cannot physically see the ailment, it does not exist. They are very ignorant when it comes to mental health disorders other than depression. My mother is the kind of woman who if she saw someone park in a handicapped parking space, and saw them get out and walk just fine, would make a snide comment about them, not taking the time to realize that perhaps they have cancer, a mental disorder, heart disease, etc. I know my mother and step dad love me, they’ve been a great support when I have an off day, and I feel broken down or depressed or am physically ill. However, my mental disorders, well they wouldn’t be too understanding.

What you described about how your therapist helped you with mindfulness helps me. It helps me have a more concise idea of what I should be aiming for, trying to do. I think that for now I’ll try and focus on sight and sound. Right now, it’s too much for me to try and pay attention to the sensations and feelings within me. For example, even deep breathing is a sensation that I am a bit wary about. It makes me feel heavy, not physically, but emotionally, I feel the tension in that breath and I despise it. It makes me feel wound up like a coil.

“You can’t do it all quickly. It is not a performance thing” I think this is something I will struggle with along my journey. I’m the kind of person that likes to see progress quickly and loves to measure where I am, I am always trying to compare my performance to where I think I should be, or how I think I should be doing. The whole performance thing is something that has always been an issue for me, not in terms of how I rank against others, but to how I believe I should be ranking. I tend to think I am my own worst critic.

“Again and again the audios were about it being okay to lose focus, to get lost again. Mindfulness is about returning again and again to what you pay attention to. You get lost in self talk while listening to sounds, you NOTICE you got lost, you GENTLY bring yourself back to the sounds… again and again and again…” This answers one of my questions very well. Just yesterday I was in the car on the way to the store and I had been feeling a bit of anxiety ever seen I woke up, so I thought, what better time than to try to practice mindfulness, you know, give it a try. So I sat there quietly, listening to the crunch of the wheels, the sound of the wind blowing against us, I payed attention to what I was seeing, the light from the sun, the shadows that the other cars cast, the grass being green under a bridge, but the grass being brown out in the open. I got lost for a while thinking how the grass could be green while being away from the rain and sun, but the same grass be so brown while out in the open. I realized I was talking to myself, and tried to focus again on what I was seeing, some run down buildings, some that were closed, others still in business and I got to thinking how they could let their place of business get so shoddy. After all, at some point they were in good shape. I then got caught up in paying attention the colors of the cars, we passed a gas station and I saw a police officer pulling someone over. I got to think about the reason, maybe they were speeding, didn’t use turn signals, or had expired tags. It was like that, me focusing on what I was hearing or seeing and then getting lost in my thoughts and speculations. It felt good to pay attention to things I otherwise wouldn’t have. I guess you could say I go around my day like a zombie, noticing what is around me, but not enough for it to spark my thoughts. I liked trying to focus solely on what I saw or heard. It was a nice distraction from thinking about all the other things I would have had on my mind. It certainly made me feel calm. I did get lost in my own thoughts A LOT, but at least I wasn’t thinking about my anxiety, or school, or anything else that would make me worry. I was calm, if only for the rest of that morning. I am usually uneasy about even being out at the store, having others glance my way, trying to get an item while there are others where I need to get the item from, or the cashier trying to make small talk to me. I’m usually as far away as I can get from the cashier, usually by pretending to be on my phone, or at the very back of the line while I let my sister be at the front. For once, I did not shy away from the cashier and she was a very pleasant person. It was nice to not be nervous about her talking to me. Something I usually avoid at all costs.

Yes, I definitely think I can download some mindfulness audio tracks. I was thinking it’d be a good idea to have some at home, to listen to when I am having anxiety about going out, or even when I am not anxious, just so I can get the hang of it slowly. Then I also thought I’d have some other audio tracks to help me while I am walking around downtown to get to my bus stop. The college I attend is downtown, and while my parents will take me in the morning, I’ll ride the bus home. I’m just too anxious about those cramped parking spots at my school, and the parking lot is always full to the max. I also have a lot of anxiety while waiting for the bus, and while I am on the bus. I’m afraid the bus won’t come, that I’ll miss my bus stop, that the other riders will stare at me, and just other unpleasant thoughts about having to wait with people. So, I think it’d be a good idea to have some audio tracks for then as well.

Benite, thank you for your concern and help. I will most definitely look at your profile and check out your website. Thank you for the help.

Dear Anita,

“good to read your progress. You describe everything so well! Like I wrote before: you got what it takes!” Thank you. I believe sometimes I am much too detailed with myself about my thoughts, and with others. Some people would say I am too mature or philosophical for my age.

“And since I already went through excellent therapy that helped me so much, I will be glad to share what he taught me with you.” Thank you. This means a lot. Especially considering that it would be hard to get good help. I live in a state that is known for not having good mental health services or help.

“You noticed when you lost focus on the first two, you didn’t (my understanding) beat yourself up for losing focus/ attention (very important) and you returned to sights and sounds.” You are correct. I did not criticize myself or get angry or upset about getting lost in my thoughts. I just thought to myself, “Ahh, I’m getting sidetracked. Let me focus on something I see or hear.” Then I’d try to continue with my observations.

“Of course, not eternal calm: a thing to remember. It is a matter of time and never is there a “happily ever after/ always calm kind of existence. Good job!” Thank you, this helps. I was worried I wasn’t really doing what I needed to.

“As to the first part of your post, i would like to write about it when I am back to the computer.” Great, do so. I really value you asking for insight. I consider you to be a very observant and great person and I know that you can probably understand things about myself that I cannot analyze properly because I might see it differently.

Well… I have about 4 memories about my biological father aside from the day he left us. They are basically the only things I remember about him. I remember us moving in with my grandma when we first moved into the state after traveling more than 500 miles. I cannot recall anything about that initial time other than this particular day they had gone out and when they came back they had bought us a snow globe from the disney store. I don’t remember him much in my memory, just that he was around. Another faint memory is of him sitting on our blue recliner watching tv, and another is of him hosting a party for his friends, like he did, all the time, I recall. One particular day he had some of his friends over. My mother was serving them coffee and my younger sister was being careless and running all over. It so happens that she bumped into my mother and my mother accidentally spilled the coffee on her. It fell onto her stomach and burned her. One of my father’s friends was a very nice man (about 4 years later, he would become my step dad) and he left our apartment, went to buy some ointments, returned, gave them to my mother and told her what to do with them to help my sister. I don’t recall my father doing anything, as though he wasn’t even there. There are two other things I remember about my father. He once struck me with a belt. I don’t recall what I did, but I remember being very angry afterwards, thinking “how dare he hit me”. Another time, I remember being mad at him for not letting me paint my nails. Once again I was angry. I considered him oppressive, and even at that age (7 or younger), I remember thinking of him as controlling. All of my memories of him involve me feeling alone, like there was no connections. I feel this darkness in all of my memories of him. So no, he did not bully me, he just wasn’t involved.

I was actually bullied in the 6th and 8th grade by different girls. In 6th grade I was a tomboy. I wore loose clothing and didn’t care much about my appearance. 6th grade was at a different school than the elementary school I had gone to. It was a much bigger school with a lot more diversity. I only had one friend from elementary that I really spoke to and naturally we met other girls in 6th grade. I am hispanic but I had never been around other hispanics much. It was strange to me and I quickly realized how much I didn’t fit in. It was also very clear to the other girls my friend talked to. They teased me, called me a lesbian, spread rumors about me, excluded me, talked about me, asked rude questions, they asked why I dressed like that, why I didn’t have a boyfriend etc. It wasn’t long before the other girls got wind of the rumors and started talking about me as well. They all bought lunches, and I brought mine, which was enough to make them bully me even more. I liked the color blue, they liked red. Another reason for them to not like me. It was too much for me to handle at that age. I hated going to school. I constantly felt judged and talked about. I would cry in the restroom and in my room at home when I was alone. I once convinced my mother to let me miss a week of school, feigning sickness just so I would be away from it all. I had enough of it and started molding myself so I could fit in. Things got better after that but I became self conscious. I got a boyfriend just to prove myself to them and started wearing red, and jewelry and lip gloss, etc. I was glad when the girls who had teased me weren’t going to the same school for 7th grade.

I don’t recall much about 7th grade. It was all right I suppose. In 8th grade however, I had another encounter with bullies. This particular girl thought it was funny to laugh at me in gym class because I didn’t know how to throw a basketball. I got angry and decided I wasn’t going to let her talk about me that way. I went up to her and we got in a physical fight. I was hoping that would be the end of it, I had already had enough of bullies, but it was just the beginning. She was a year younger than me and would always try to intimidate me and one of my other friends. She would bump into us in the hallway and physically push us and say mean things. It would happen almost everyday. I was terrified. So terrified that me and my other friend would always email each other so we could arrive together at school. I was so scared when this bully’s older sister confronted me. I was so scared that I pushed all of the blame on my friend (I feel so bad for doing this to my friend but I was very scared after learning that this bully was into boxing). The older sister asked me why I had gotten in a fight with her sister and I said to her, “I did it because she said mean things about me and my friend, I was just trying to defend myself, it was my friend who started it all with your sister” (Which was true but I felt bad for turning my back on my friend). My bully’s sister was nice and said she’d get her sister and friends too lay off of me, and it worked. They then only bothered my friend. I was glad, but I still felt scared. Near the end of the year the returned to calling me names. I was glad when we ended up not going to the same high school. I was terrified of these girls, there were about 5 of them, and they had all taken turns bullying me, pushing me, calling me names. I remember being not just scared, but terrified. SO MUCH so that when I saw this girl, at my college during my first semester for a small one hour class, I hid behind my computer and basically sped out of the classroom once it was over. When I saw her in the hall I hid my face and tried to be as fast as possible. I felt nothing but anxiety and fear. In middle school I recall not feeling like I confide in any of the teachers to help.