Dear Amy:

I am saying that the fact that you are being so emotionally occupied with your child’s father (“I wake up thinking about him, and go to sleep thinking about him”) takes you away from your child and yourself and anything else, by definition. I mean it takes away so much of your time and energy, there must be less than for your child and for your own goal of promoting your physical and mental health.

What is obvious to me is that to just say: stop this occupation with this man is way, way… way easier said than done. But there is a way to do it and you can do it..it just isn’t easy or simple to do. And it is not instant.

Did you look into psychotherapy or a self help group to deal with this obsession, such as Codependent Anonymous (in the U.S.)?

It is possible that you focus on him and his life because it is safer to do so than to look at yourself, at your own life.

This is tough, Amy: your feelings of guilt, your anger at yourself… I don’t know about your relationships with your family members, your mother- if there are things there that you are trying not to look at by focusing on the man.

It is not just one thing, the situation is complex. I like the way you write, you are intelligent and have a good sense of humor, I think, AND the situation is complex, with layers and time…time that complicated things.

How about a PLAN, an emergency like plan for the next month? How about coming up with objectives and plans of execution of objectives for the next month… This requires planning and time to work on. So like any complex situation, can you break it down to simpler things-to-do/ objectives, priorities….???

anita