Thank you Anita and Trianglesun for your posts. Your kind words of encouragement are wonderful to keep looking back on when I am feeling low.

I had old high school/college friends come visit me this weekend, and it was nice to have their company. It reminded me of a time before I moved to the city I live in now, in my hometown, where I had different ups and downs and things to worry about. The weekend was a fun adventure and it meant a lot to me. At times I would get hit with missing her, but I’d simply accept it and try to bring myself back to the present.

Last night before bed I was thinking about one of the best parts of this whole process… and that is my freedom of time and commitment. I realized I don’t have to wait around for her anymore. There were so many times where I would stay up late into the night waiting for her to get off of work or just to see if we would even make plans. I would even set alarms so that if I fell asleep I could still wake up in time to ask if she wanted to come over. It wasn’t ideal, but I wanted to do it at the time so I could see her.

But now I can make my own schedule again, and that’s really nice. So with that, I turned off the light at about 10pm.. and I set an alarm for 6:30am.. and I drove an hour to get to the ocean where I spent my whole morning. I walked a couple miles, I rented a surfboard and went out on the water, and I had a great time with just me. I’ve always liked the idea of surfing and this was the 3rd time in my life I’ve ever tried. I think I’m going to go again on my day off next week.

It was a really beautiful day, and I felt myself enjoying things more. It was a nice change. It wasn’t constant, but that’s okay.. it’s one of the things I’ve come to understand. Feelings come and go, I feel them very intensely.. which can make the hard ones difficult to manage… but it’s also what makes the positive ones so enjoyable.

The sun has set now and I am okay with everything and grateful for how I’ve handled the past few days. I’ve been working hard at not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. I try not to think about her or what she is doing. Little reminders come through often, but I let them leave after acknowledging them. I saved a few quotes (some from this very website) that I try to read every day. Maybe they will provide help to anyone else who is reading this with some sadness in their heart:

• “Every activity is an act of strength when you’re struggling.”

• “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

• “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”

• “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

• We can incessantly pick at the “should haves” and “would haves,” but your inner GPS chose a route based on the information you had at the time. You couldn’t have done anything different. When you can fully embrace this, it is an act of forgiveness to yourself, because you stop questioning your capabilities. Everything you did was as it was supposed to be.”

I’ll post again soon. Thank you all.