1- My adopted mother has been dead since 1987. I wasa adopted by my paternal grandmother when I was 3 months old, since biological mother disappeared. She had always made me feel like I “owed” her. That’s a whole other story of family lies and manipulation since a chidl, I was unaware of my “brother” actually being my father, until I was 13 years old. I did not have a bad relationship with her, just a guilt-ridden one, of pleasing and feeling guilty when going my own way. WIth the current information (verified info by other family members), it is difficult to feel kindness for her anymore. Its kind of numbness at this point. Cant go back and re-do history!
2- My first husband wants me very badly and appears to cherish and adore me, as evidenced by his discussions with me, our frequent discussions and communications and the several visits we had. He wants me to marry him again but I will definitely live on my own until all the storms pass, and my head is clear. He lives 4 states away, so distance is a blessing in order not to have daily temptation.
3 As for damaging family- I have no minor children and the one is in college and away from home. It just feels like I have given away my whole life to please others. Do I not follow my heart, and just give up (scene: “Bridges of Madison County”)? We have had 2 years of this long distance connection, and it feels like a stronger soul connection versus weaker, as time goes by. The damage will be to the current husband who needs me for making his life easier and always being there.
4. The risk of talking this out with current husband, is the extreme reaction, maybe violent, maybe just total emotional collapse on his part. Does pity, fear and guilt over 35 years of marriage, over-ride what I am feeling? The first and current husbands used to be good friends thorugh high school and up to the time of my first marriage and never in contact after that.
We are all near social security age- it feels illogical and impractical…………but cant stop the feelings.