1- My adopted mother has been dead since 1987. I wasa adopted by my paternal grandmother when I was 3 months old, since biological mother disappeared. She had always made me feel like I “owed” her. That’s a whole other story of family lies and manipulation since a chidl, I was unaware of my “brother” actually being my father, until I was 13 years old. I did not have a bad relationship with her, just a guilt-ridden one, of pleasing and feeling guilty when going my own way. WIth the current information (verified info by other family members), it is difficult to feel kindness for her anymore. Its kind of numbness at this point. Cant go back and re-do history!
2- My first husband wants me very badly and appears to cherish and adore me, as evidenced by his discussions with me, our frequent discussions and communications and the several visits we had. He wants me to marry him again but I will definitely live on my own until all the storms pass, and my head is clear. He lives 4 states away, so distance is a blessing in order not to have daily temptation.
3 As for damaging family- I have no minor children and the one is in college and away from home. It just feels like I have given away my whole life to please others. Do I not follow my heart, and just give up (scene: “Bridges of Madison County”)? We have had 2 years of this long distance connection, and it feels like a stronger soul connection versus weaker, as time goes by. The damage will be to the current husband who needs me for making his life easier and always being there.
4. The risk of talking this out with current husband, is the extreme reaction, maybe violent, maybe just total emotional collapse on his part. Does pity, fear and guilt over 35 years of marriage, over-ride what I am feeling? The first and current husbands used to be good friends thorugh high school and up to the time of my first marriage and never in contact after that.
We are all near social security age- it feels illogical and impractical…………but cant stop the feelings.

Through a therapist I had gone to last year for a short while, we determined that I had “married my mother” again. After my divorce at the tender age of 20, I became the wild and crazy girl, who dated anyone and everyone, and knew to give sex to keep them. ( Ah, those 70’s times!) The current husband came back, after hearing of my divorce. Tremendously entertaining, we always were at some club, concert, vacation or other, with all his friends as part of the package. Never really were alone much then, or had a real unselfish connection.
Then,( about 15 years into it) started feeling “less than” and always pointing out to me, my deficiencies as to looks, housecleaning, making love, etc…..always less than the vapid and shallow other females in the family. Did I say- I have always worked and paid my own car and way in life. Currently, I make twice + what husband makes, own the house we live in and make all the payments for house-related expenses and mortgage. So, as you can see, the collapse of the structure of ” meal ticket” would be very disconcerting to him. I have grown so much these past couple years, and know to love myself first. My first husband has shown me very gently how to love myself first, even if I ultimately did not choose to go to him. His only deepest desire is for me to be happy, though he would want me to be happy with him, by his side.

I also have the “hand on the handle of the truck” and it crushes me to think of always thinking of others being hurt, and don’t want to be Francesca. What a wasted life. So, I am just waiting for the time and place to fill my heart’s desires. My fear, is that there will always be an excuse, of not the right time or situation, and the years will just keep on going. I aint 30 anymore and there may only be a decade or two of the future left.

Thank you for your kind words, Anita!
I am just a few years older than you, so I feel you are of the same generation and thoughts.

I am very clear that this is not a re-do for sure. We have spoken nearly daily and have gone over the past, even from our childhood and beyond our brief marriage. We cannot bring the past, and cant fix it. We are very cognizant of that. We have discussed and analyzed all the “What If’s of the past.
Remember that in those days, there was no cell phone or internet. I lived at home, and still was going to college every day. I heard nothing from him, after I left, and was stunned to think it was so trivial, that he didnt make the effort. The stunning thing I found out, was that his calls to my home were blocked and a restraining order against him made out in my name. WHAT? I had no inkling of this. It appears my mother forged my signature, and I was unaware. The story told to him was that I was mentally destroyed and that he abused me and not to come near me. He had watched me from afar for years, and then gave up, married and moved away. It is amazing of him following my life from afar. He knew when I got married, he knew I married his friend, he knew when I moved and where. He knew where I worked, he knew when my only child was born.
He said he was so afraid, because he thought he “destroyed” me, and wouldnt want me to run away in terror or fear. I literally settled for less later, and married just to do it, since everyone else was, at the age of 27.
He remembered my birthday forever, he said. He had my birthday date as the number on his league uniforms ( he played softball), and always felt a connection.
40 years and I never knew this person was watching and waiting. He said he finally overcame his fear on my 60th birthday, searched me on the internet and sent me a birthday card that arrived on my exact birthday. Luckily, I was home alone and got the mail that day. He said he wished me happiness and was deeply sorry for the pain he caused. I WAS STUNNED! Pain? I was the impetuous child girl who left without a thought or a chance for him. I searched and found the return address and phone. I sent a message via FB to call me to clear up this misunderstanding.
We have talked, cried, laughed, prayed, been with each other for a day or two every 4 months or so. It is such a deep soul connection that has not died, but has intensified. I know that if I love this person like I do, I could lose everything that I Have. I have no idea who this could end up, but in his presence, I don’t even care.
I will have scary moments and probably lots of anger and abuse thrown my way, and I know it when I open the truck door and go to him. Those ( family) who say they “love” me, really don’t, they just know that I make things convenient and comfortable for them. If they truly loved me, they would want me to find my happiness. Most of my married family life has been ” What about me?” from those around me. My mother also was ” What about me? You owe me!” ,so life kept repeating itself.
I have a final chance to be loved, adored and cherished for me unconditionally by my first love.
We do not regret what we have done, we have regret for what we have not done……………………

And as the story goes, Rapunzel’s prince fell from the tower and went blind. Rapunzel lost her long hair and was exiled away. Ultimately, they found each other again. Rapunzel’s tears fell upon his eyes and her tears gave him back his sight. They lived happily ever after, after all. That is the part of the story I can witness to now, that our tears might turn into balms with which we heal each other and comfort each other, after so many years of getting it all wrong.

Dear Anita,
Thank you for your opinion and thoughts. Sometimes we just need validation that we aren’t crazy. Illogical yes, but not crazy. Being logical sometimes withers your soul, because it is ” the right thing to do”, even if your heart is aching.

I have had two years to work through all the “what if’s” legally, financially and emotionally. I worked through all the guilt, as I visioned what a life unloved would look like. I realize that Not to Decide, is to Decide.
So, I am aware that I may lose much, such as having to pay alimony, due to me making more all these years. I plan to not drag out these issues should they come. I will sell the house, and probably pay to the husband, in lieu of the alimony, and/or to pay for son’s last year of college tuition. I cant take it with me, and am healthy enough to work and continue…..cant take in the coffin with me, no?

As for the son hating me, oh well! I was the best mom I could be, and literally put my life, interests and time into him as he grew up. He is confident, assured, and is on Dean’s List each and every year so far. I feel that I am still his mom. He has a very loving relationship with his father and me, and that will be what will horrify him, my leaving. I assume he will be bitter and cold towards me for a few years and then maybe come back around. If not, then I will accept that also.
I don’t feel you are being impulsive with me, I have worked through this for 2 years. I used to waver on the fence, but was confusing guilt and “being needed” with love. I am clear on what I need for my happiness and want it to occur.

Right now, it’s all about timing……….when,,,,,when ………when…….I have prayed as well as just thrown my dilemma out to the universe, and await the answer. It will be revealed when the time is ready. That is what gives me peace and hope. Also, I have my patient beloved, who only wants my happiness, even if it tore him apart. He is gentle, kind and a beautiful soul, who never pressures or urges me before I am ready. I am stashing little bits of money away to have ready cash to make the leap. Too independent still, to have a man take care of me totally!

Thank you again for your time and consideration! Never thought I would be in this swirl so late in life, but as the saying goes: ” We make plans, and God laughs!” How true! Just wish I hadn’t wasted 40 years, to find my real soul happiness, in spite of the manipulation and lies I had been given, to destroy my first love those many years ago.
I don’t have any close girlfriends that would be trusted and nonjudgmental, so this was really helpful to me and bless you!

HI Anita,
I know we need to focus on the present, “Be Here Now”. But we look to the future with hope, faith and planning for it.
If I was 30, then I could delay and delay, thinking we could wait, since we had plenty of time of the future. So, I take one day at a time. Grateful for the insight that an unconditional love brings to me. even now, so late in life. Never experienced that before. SO, just putting one foot in front of the other each day. Emotionally sleepwalking. waiting for the day to be released from the fake life I am currently living.