Through a therapist I had gone to last year for a short while, we determined that I had “married my mother” again. After my divorce at the tender age of 20, I became the wild and crazy girl, who dated anyone and everyone, and knew to give sex to keep them. ( Ah, those 70’s times!) The current husband came back, after hearing of my divorce. Tremendously entertaining, we always were at some club, concert, vacation or other, with all his friends as part of the package. Never really were alone much then, or had a real unselfish connection.
Then,( about 15 years into it) started feeling “less than” and always pointing out to me, my deficiencies as to looks, housecleaning, making love, etc…..always less than the vapid and shallow other females in the family. Did I say- I have always worked and paid my own car and way in life. Currently, I make twice + what husband makes, own the house we live in and make all the payments for house-related expenses and mortgage. So, as you can see, the collapse of the structure of ” meal ticket” would be very disconcerting to him. I have grown so much these past couple years, and know to love myself first. My first husband has shown me very gently how to love myself first, even if I ultimately did not choose to go to him. His only deepest desire is for me to be happy, though he would want me to be happy with him, by his side.

I also have the “hand on the handle of the truck” and it crushes me to think of always thinking of others being hurt, and don’t want to be Francesca. What a wasted life. So, I am just waiting for the time and place to fill my heart’s desires. My fear, is that there will always be an excuse, of not the right time or situation, and the years will just keep on going. I aint 30 anymore and there may only be a decade or two of the future left.