Dear Anita,
Thank you for your opinion and thoughts. Sometimes we just need validation that we aren’t crazy. Illogical yes, but not crazy. Being logical sometimes withers your soul, because it is ” the right thing to do”, even if your heart is aching.

I have had two years to work through all the “what if’s” legally, financially and emotionally. I worked through all the guilt, as I visioned what a life unloved would look like. I realize that Not to Decide, is to Decide.
So, I am aware that I may lose much, such as having to pay alimony, due to me making more all these years. I plan to not drag out these issues should they come. I will sell the house, and probably pay to the husband, in lieu of the alimony, and/or to pay for son’s last year of college tuition. I cant take it with me, and am healthy enough to work and continue…..cant take in the coffin with me, no?

As for the son hating me, oh well! I was the best mom I could be, and literally put my life, interests and time into him as he grew up. He is confident, assured, and is on Dean’s List each and every year so far. I feel that I am still his mom. He has a very loving relationship with his father and me, and that will be what will horrify him, my leaving. I assume he will be bitter and cold towards me for a few years and then maybe come back around. If not, then I will accept that also.
I don’t feel you are being impulsive with me, I have worked through this for 2 years. I used to waver on the fence, but was confusing guilt and “being needed” with love. I am clear on what I need for my happiness and want it to occur.

Right now, it’s all about timing……….when,,,,,when ………when…….I have prayed as well as just thrown my dilemma out to the universe, and await the answer. It will be revealed when the time is ready. That is what gives me peace and hope. Also, I have my patient beloved, who only wants my happiness, even if it tore him apart. He is gentle, kind and a beautiful soul, who never pressures or urges me before I am ready. I am stashing little bits of money away to have ready cash to make the leap. Too independent still, to have a man take care of me totally!

Thank you again for your time and consideration! Never thought I would be in this swirl so late in life, but as the saying goes: ” We make plans, and God laughs!” How true! Just wish I hadn’t wasted 40 years, to find my real soul happiness, in spite of the manipulation and lies I had been given, to destroy my first love those many years ago.
I don’t have any close girlfriends that would be trusted and nonjudgmental, so this was really helpful to me and bless you!