Dear Anita,

“his manipulation worked. All this time later, his words are still fresh in your brain and you believe him… at least some. And you want to contact him just to prove him wrong… ” Yes, exactly. Well, I don’t want to reach out to him, I want him to notice that I am fine without him. I want to prove to him that I am doing great without him. I just can’t get myself out of that mindset. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to him.

A few months ago I was at a local grocery store. I never shop there because I don’t like the environment and the workers, but I really needed some oranges for my juice so I stopped by. I went in, got the oranges and quickly headed to the register to pay. There were a few people in front of me and I was waiting patiently. Then, someone comes up behind me and out of the corner of my eye, I see that it is my ex boyfriend’s friend. I freak out!! My heart is beating really fast and I can’t stop myself from thinking, ” I must look terrible” (I was wearing workout clothes and was somewhat sweaty after my jog) and I was also thinking that I must look weird just buying a big sack of oranges. In that moment, I just wanted to look presentable. I couldn’t help but think that this friend of his would tell him he had seen me at the store. I was so caught up in how I looked.

I’ve been trying to tear myself away from wanting to make an impression on my ex. However, it is this feeling that does not want to dissipate. However, I know that I don’t just want him to see that I am doing good. I want him to see and realize that I am doing better than him. I suppose this all stems from him bragging about how well he was doing without me when we broke up.

His life is a mess, and I am very ashamed to admit… but I was glad to read that so far he’s not having a good year, but I don’t want to feel that way. Him having a bad year is no cause for celebration. I shouldn’t be happy about that. I know it makes me look bitter and resentful and I want no part in that. I don’t like the idea of feeling good simply because he is having a bad time. Again, this all stems from all those last conversations between me and him.

“Once it is in your mind while you are dating: say it, don’t keep it in, that will distress you, I think.” Yeah, that sounds right. I do think it would distress me, very much so.

“An introverted man, not a popular and very social guy and one who does not want to have children, at this point, would be a good match for you.” How am I supposed to find an introverted man though? I mean, how am I even going to get to talking to him? If I am an introvert, and not good at talking to others, because of my social anxiety, and he is an introvert, well, how are we supposed to start talking? Also, wouldn’t it be counterproductive to be with someone who is also an introvert like me? I say this because really, if I were to be in a relationship with a man like this, well I don’t think there would be much of a chance for social interactions/gatherings and we’d basically not have many friends or go out much.

“And I would like to think of Aislynn as free…” I would like to as well. I want to be free to travel the world, discover new things for myself, help others, move around, and not feel tied down. Being free is what I aim for.