Dear Lauren:

He doesn’t want to be “controlled” that is, to be told what to do. As abusively, insensitively controlling as his father probably was, what you need in the relationship is not controlling. It only seems to him as controlling. And so, he just wants to be left alone, to not deal with … another person. He withdrew from his father at the time, probably, knowing he can’t please his father, he gave up on trying and he is stuck at that stage, having given up. This is my view of what is possibly going on with him.

To be ‘unstuck” from that stage of withdrawal and wanting to be left alone, not engaged, he needs to confront the relationship with his father, in therapy, to “see” the child that he was, reaching out again and again to a father who did not give him the love he needed no matter how hard he tried to please his father.. He would need to endure the awareness of that pain and in the process, open his eyes to what is really happening in his life.

This is a process that takes a lot, a whole lot of willingness and commitment from a person. It is not easy. And most people will not go through such a thing. Most people will acknowledge something, but not follow through with that bit of awareness so to increase it.

If you see no motivation on his part, then there is none and there is nothing you can do about it. I don’t think you are too old to find love, although biology speaks for itself regarding having biological children…

Please do post again. I would like to know, if you talk to him further about things, what his responses are etc. Hope to read from you again!

anita