Hi Lauren,

I’ve been through two miscarriages, and in a way it was harder for my husband because ~ he didn’t know how to react, or even how he should be feeling! He would make clumsy efforts to comfort me which of course, I “snapped away”. Then I too didn’t think he was grieving enough or at all. But in a weird, inexplicable way he was.

For us, the baby in us is real, physical. For them it is an idea, a concept. Then when we lose the physical baby there is blood, torment and a huge hormone dump. For them they don’t see (necessarily) the blood or feel the feelings. They just see a distraught woman. They try in their dopey ways to “be there” but then we lose it.

I would say maybe, perhaps, give him another chance. His reaction is, sadly, typical. Of course, this miscarriage may also highlight relationship difficulties which were already there. It’s up to you.

Best,

Inky

Hi Lauren,
The prior post concerned me. The statement he made, about the excuse of his controlling father and that is why he acts the way he does. It smells like an excuse. Be aware that he is basically saying ” I cant help it, take it or leave it”… if he doesnt show interest or need to change.
Why does he get an excuse and you have to swallow it? I have swallowed this for 35 years and realize I kept bending to him and never thinking I needed attention, love or affection. Continue therapy, but with your eyes open. I wasted 35 years in a marriage the same non-attention, love or affection. It was always “my fault somehow” when I tried to make things better. The problem was always me, not him, in his eyes.
Counseling helps, as long as the therapist hears both sides without judgement, and the couple make efforts. Is he making efforts after counseling, or is it still your problem, without changes from his side? Seems he likes his live-in housekeeper and maid, and doesn’t feel he needs to make changes. Dont have a baby in this unstable environment, It would be sad. HOw much are you willing to bend?

Dear Lauren:

He doesn’t want to be “controlled” that is, to be told what to do. As abusively, insensitively controlling as his father probably was, what you need in the relationship is not controlling. It only seems to him as controlling. And so, he just wants to be left alone, to not deal with … another person. He withdrew from his father at the time, probably, knowing he can’t please his father, he gave up on trying and he is stuck at that stage, having given up. This is my view of what is possibly going on with him.

To be ‘unstuck” from that stage of withdrawal and wanting to be left alone, not engaged, he needs to confront the relationship with his father, in therapy, to “see” the child that he was, reaching out again and again to a father who did not give him the love he needed no matter how hard he tried to please his father.. He would need to endure the awareness of that pain and in the process, open his eyes to what is really happening in his life.

This is a process that takes a lot, a whole lot of willingness and commitment from a person. It is not easy. And most people will not go through such a thing. Most people will acknowledge something, but not follow through with that bit of awareness so to increase it.

If you see no motivation on his part, then there is none and there is nothing you can do about it. I don’t think you are too old to find love, although biology speaks for itself regarding having biological children…

Please do post again. I would like to know, if you talk to him further about things, what his responses are etc. Hope to read from you again!

anita