Dear Anita,
Yes, I have had a “melancholy” marriage for a dozen years or more. You know the one, where something is missing, but cant put your thoughts clearly on what it is? NO fights, no arguments, just feeling taken for granted. I rarely asked for discussions, because the discussions would deteriorate into “How miserable can you be? What about me?” He always mentioned how my education and life were so much better than his. It is because I am college-educated and continued to push for higher jobs ambitiously. This is a man who didnt know how to work a computer, until forced to learn a little through his low-level jobs. I had thought when he was unemployed for about 18 months 10 years ago, he would have taken some courses or learning to find a skill or job he could do. Nope, he laid on the couch, but did clean the house and cook meals while I worked and paid everything. He remains in lower level jobs, and that is why I am the breadwinner, and he is the saver. I have always never bitched or moaned, because he always said he had a lousy life, and why am I complaining? I have a career, etc……….. the negotiation between us ( or actually the mandate to me) was that he would save his money for us, and I would pay the bills. To be honest, he has been a good saver, but I know not to touch it. Still feels like “his money” and “my money” separate. We do have separate checking accounts.
Have spoken to a lawyer, about the “What if” on this.. It appears in this state, there is no “no-fault”, so either have to have desertion for one year, or infidelity or mental illness, as a cause. After that, then the finances are initially split 50/50, and then negotiations start. This means I may be subject to alimony payments to him, because I make more. Also, in this backward state, if infidelity, desertion, etc are the reason, the person who is at fault, will be subject to having to give more to the “injured party”. So, I know what could happen in worst case scenario. Oh well, cant take it with you, huh?
I also may be liable for paying the exorbitant tuition for the son to finish his last year. I know the storm will be abominable, but have to be tolerated.
Thank you for your logical kindness.!