Amelia_R,

I have to say that I agree with Inky and Anita, you need to take a break from your relationship from him. I also agree with Anita that he manipulated you.

He tried to twist things around and blame you for being paranoid and suspicious. You have every right to be suspicious of his actions, he has to earn your trust back, it is not simply given to him because he said he’d change. Change takes time, and little by little he should be working on proving to you that he meant what he said. Until then, you have every right to be cautious and suspicious. I certainly would be if I were in your place. You need to be aware of what he is up to if he is to gain your trust back and he needs to understand that. If he’s not willing to do that, to tell you what he’s been up to and all other sorts of things, well then how are you supposed to see if he really is making the changes he needs to in his life? Someone needs to hold him accountable for his actions, and that should be you because it was to you that he told that he wanted to change and that the drug use had gotten out of hand.

The point is, he lied to you. Even one small lie can plant doubt in a person’s mind, and this is not a small lie. It has been repetitive lies that you have evidence about and he has been unwilling to own up to.

I have been in a similar situation, my ex boyfriend is a drug user, smoker, and drinker. The drug use wasn’t such an issue when we were together because he only smoked pot every once in a while and hardly “popped pills”, but the drinking always was an issue. He was always getting drunk and lying to me about it. He didn’t stop once I confronted him about it and told him I didn’t like that. He said he’d change, and I told him I didn’t him to change simply because I said so, but he insisted it was what he wanted. Well, he simply got better at hiding it. What started with small lies escalated into big problematic lies. He would lie about his whereabouts, who he had been with, etc. I tried to trust him and gave him the benefit of the doubt, but ever so often those lies wouldn’t add up and he’d end up confessing. He lied to me about other things as well, many things. Here we are, 4 years later, and he now smokes pot about everyday, gets drunk all the time, and he’s admitted to doing cocaine.

Now, of course your situation could play out very differently. What I am trying to say though, is that if you are feeling unsure, then you need to do something about it. He can’t be trusted simply because he said he’d change. Saying and doing are two very different things. You also need to keep in mind that once you start lying, well, it becomes easier and easier. I’m not perfect, and I’ve lied, and yes it does get easier and easier. The lies just keep building up. Some people are better than others. I am ashamed of lying, but I have to say that once you start lying you have to keep lying to protect that one initial small lie.

You feeling that sense of dread, well it can’t be pleasant at all. That is not something you should feel, maybe once in a while it is all right, but continuously, not at all. Give your relationship a break, evaluate his actions, efforts, and your feelings about the situation. Then, decide what to do from there.

In the meanwhile, I’d say to give the other guy a chance. Who knows, something great could come of it.

Also, regarding your guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t the one who did anything wrong. He has no reason to make you feel like you are the one in the wrong. He is making you out to look like a paranoid, delusional person every time you confront him, and that is no good, because eventually you’ll start questioning whether you are overreacting, which you all ready are.

Regarding the drugs and lying, well that’s even worse when you put the two together. Drugs cloud a person’s judgement, makes them act and feel differently, I’m sure you all ready know that though.