Hello again Anita,
To make it less confusing, I am going to code them R-1 (college husband#1) and R-2 (current husband#2) Both have names starting with R.
I have had two major blow-ups with R-2 in all these years married. In those 2 blow-ups, I was pushed back onto the bed, or pushed up against a wall and screamed at inches from my face. A few drinks also exacerbated the scene. His (R-2) M.O. is to always subtlety confront in a public setting (restaurant, bar, etc). That way, I have to be controlled and aware of my surroundings, as he also aware. If my voice raises, then his reminder that we are in public stops me from really ranting. Also, hard to leave then, since we came in one car and I am the one usually driving. These happen nearly monthly, but they don’t escalate and I just remain silent and it blows over.
The 2 major blow ups in 35 years were later at home that same night after the dinner out, then it escalated. The last time (6 years ago) , I wanted to grab my keys and go, but R-2 grabbed them first and wouldn’t let me go. You have to go down 2 flights of stairs to get to the garage, and he blocked the doors to the garage and pushed me back. There is no punching or such, just pushing me back.
Do you know the insane jealousy and anger, if he finds out the situation with R-1? R-1 met me at one of R-2’s parties at the time,and we fell for each other hard.
History: I was casually dating R-2 and didn’t think he would even care, as we weren’t serious or even consummated anything.
(Again, gotta love those 70’s and the Pill!) R-2 and R-1(was dating both) had a fist fight over me (drama!) in the Holiday Inn parking lot in 1973.I was there and found out it was instigated by my mother, who called R-2 that I was going out with R-1 and didn’t he want to know that? Mother again, deeply troubled and threatened for my deep affection for R-1. I was deeply in love with R-1and left with him after telling R-2 in the parking lot, that he has no claims on me, and I was going with R-1, and left in R-1’s car. . Of course, then my mother refused to let me see R-1 much and even locked the gates to her house, so he couldn’t come over. I had to meet him for a few hours at school and on weekends. That is why I married in 1974 at 19, after running away to his mother’s house on my bicycle. She blocked me at every turn. He was such a sweet guy, but once I got my freedom from the oppressive mother, I wanted to party hard, as I had not been allowed to at home. My R-1 worked 2 jobs for us and we disconnected emotionally as we had different hours. I went to school and a part time job during day hours, and R-1 worked days starting at 6 am and worked til nearly 11 at night. Also, we had twin beds, as that how the apartment was furnished. In hindsight, it also added to the disconnect, as we were like ships in the night. He was so tired, and I was the college girl! He was not into discos and partying, and was more serious than fidgety young me. After all that, I basically got bored and wanted freedom. Needless to say, I am very different now, and his calm, gentle and sweet demeanor enchant me now. He calls me daily. We do have a deep connection, and regret the misfires of before.

R-2 found out about our communication one year ago, cried, collapsed and yelled, ” That F……r is still in my life, that SOB!” I denied any feelings and said it was just a mild flirt via Facebook and since then, he doesn’t know I still communicate or see him around every 4-6 months or so. R-2 became super sweet then and nothing like his usual nature for about 5 months, and then went back to his usual ways of whining about his life is lousy and his suffering in this life.

Its too late, I don’t feel anything but numbness for R-2. I keep the “game face” on at all times. and don’t let him get under my skin, because I basically don’t care anymore. He knows nothing, as I don’t want to have anyone physically threatened or hunted down. I have not seen an aggressive side, but don’t want to tempt it. My feeling is that if R-2 has nothing to lose, he will rain anger and possible vengeance over his meal ticket/convenience person being taken from him at this late in the game. As you can seen, the entire scene before when he found out, was “What about Me?” again. He never once asked if I was happy, or even cared why I communicated with him. Its all about him. Always has been.
Baby steps, baby steps…..