Thanks anita;) i find that after being betrayed a couple of times, i seem to be afraid to open myself fully to love, i always hold back a little. i find that i really enjoy biology and chemistry especially when it applies to neuroscience. i think i am going to study neuroscience and how the brain affects our genes and our health. i wonder if there is a way i can combine gene therapy and neuroscience. i feel like that even though i have developed more confidence, there is still a part of me that is still criticizing of myself and always tries to push me down. i think the song ‘High Above Me’ by Tal Bachman describes how i sometimes feel about myself. in the song he states “She’s got the best of everything. What could a guy like me ever really offer? She’s perfect as she can be, why should I even bother, Cause she’s so high, High above me, she’s so lovely.” I feel like i’m the guy in the song who sometimes thinks that other people have so much more than i do, that they are perfect and that i’ll never be that way. i think that is why i’m so shy around my special friend at times because i think that i have nothing to offer, that he is just so much better than me. also in the song it states “I know right where I belong and nothing’s gonna happen.” i feel like he and i are in different circles, he is an athletic actor while i’m a philosopher and scientist. there are times when i feel like i am not good enough because some of my friends can grasp concepts in physics honors quite quickly while for me it takes time. i like my pre-calc teacher who goes slower and takes time to explain things. i think these days because of my intense drive and ambition to do well and my fierce competitiveness, some people seem to not like me or seems to uncomfortable around me. it’s like they don’t like the energy i radiate which is a strong will and also a developing mental power. some people think at these times when i am intensely focused and think and compete in everything and try my hardest, that i’m becoming aggressive, isolated, cold and calculating. in those times when i am experimenting with a math or science concept, i tend to enjoy having time to myself to explore, but i’m fine having friends around. the girl from the A team told me today that i was too intense in my studies and that i was scaring my friends away and just bringing more stress. i don’t think it is that at all, i think it is just that my subconscious mind is working to process lots of things and my mental drive to do well is increasing. i feel like i have withdrawn into a world of math, science and working out where i still have friends who support me, but the outside forces don’t affect me anymore. when my mom gets mad at the restaurant during rush hour, i can feel her anger, but it doesn’t affect me negatively or leave me stressed in fact it just fuels my energy and my drive to do better in school, to be healthy and to meditate. my lunch buddy says that i am looking at the world through a glass pane. i take the important stuff and i filter out the trivial stuff and the negative stuff, also sometimes using them to help me at times. he says it’s not a bad thing since it helps me focus on school and protects me from negative emotions, yet it can also make me seem closed off from people.