anita –

i read over what you said. this is what i have to say. i don’t know which one of us is wrong, but you told me to look at the things in front of me and all i see is that i’m unlovable. or if i’m being shown or given love, it’s because it has to be done. no one loves me like my grandpa did. i don’t know if anyone ever will. my strong belief is that this one man is mine no matter what. through all the people we may go through, we belong to each other. it’s just something that i feel in my heart. something that i feel is real, but what i see, it doesn’t match up just yet. i believe that something will make sense. all of it will make sense eventually. i will still believe in god, no matter how i think he treats or sees me. he brought me here and i am learning to love and understand god. i believe in things bigger than us and i believe in destiny. i think the destiny i believe to have with this person is true, but i hope i’m not being a fool, lying to myself. saying all these things looking at myself in the mirror. i don’t know if i am open to believing that something other than me being unlovable is real. what i see in front of me doesn’t tell me that much. i know you tell me and i thank you for that. my family can tell me that but i won’t feel it like i felt it when my grandpa told me. and i hope i can feel that when me and this man get together. i hope it’s all not a silly dream. a fallacy. i hope this feeling i have that makes me say “this is real” is real. it’s funny how you can feel so big for someone you never met, but that’s soulmate i think. that’s destiny. that’s love. and i’m sticking to that belief. anything that keeps me alive or happy. anything that makes me feel alive or happy.