Thank you all so much for taking the time to assist me.

Anita, I’ll start by answering your questions:

Will you tell me about your parents’ occasional fights? What were those fights like? Were they physical? what words were used? Where were you when those fights took place? And what were the fights about?

My parents sometimes fought about different ways to raise me, when to let me pierce my ears, how to let me dress at what age, etc.
The fights were never really bad until I was a teenager. They were never physical, it’s just a lot of shouting. They are both incredibly strong willed people but at the end of the day you can see how much they love each other. My parents were best friends for 10 years before they got married.

Matty, Thank you for helping as well. You make a lot of insightful points.

Have you ever dated a friend? It just makes me curious as to the men always being completely taken by surprise. Are these men/ women ever been close to you before?

I have dated a few friends before. Those relationships went a little better than the ones I’ve had when I immediately jump into dating them.

It’s like once you have received enough attention you move on.

Ouch, I didn’t think so before, but that might be spot-on. I feel like I go long periods of time single and independent, but when I get lonely I seek someone’s attention. I tend to only do it when I’m starved for physical or emotional affection. Like a relationship camel.
I don’t feel ready for anything serious, but I also don’t know what I want. I long for someone whom I really connect with as more than a friend. (I have some very close friends whom I have such a strong bond with). But I think I want more than a friendship. I’m also concerned that I’m idealizing relationships too much. I want everything to come easy to me, and when it doesn’t I give up.

The difference that stands out the most to me with my ex is that he pursued me and took a little more control. I didn’t always have to do the work. When I do the work in a relationship, I tend to get tired very easily, and then I resent them as well. (Relating back to my need for things to come easily to me.) In past relationships I would be the person who picked where to eat, what movies to see, not because I’m bossy, but because the guys I dated were so indecisive. With my ex, he asked me to a movie with a movie already in mind. He checked to see if I was okay with the movie, but it was refreshing to see someone make a decision for once. He was also less shy than the others. He wasn’t afraid to show people that he loved me. I think things started to fall apart when he got emotional. He cried once, we had a fight over saying I love you, (I’m a notorious “I love you” slut. I even say it to the mailman.) I loved the lust and the need he had for me, but I also liked the feeling that he always wanted to protect me, he made me feel safe. I never had a boyfriend before who would (even after we were broken up) walk me to my car to make sure I was safe. I think he’s the closest I’ve ever come to really falling for a boyfriend. But there were too many problems with us.

I think I worry less about being perceived as “normal” and more about never finding someone because I’m this way.