Thank you all so much for taking the time to assist me.

Anita, I’ll start by answering your questions:

Will you tell me about your parents’ occasional fights? What were those fights like? Were they physical? what words were used? Where were you when those fights took place? And what were the fights about?

My parents sometimes fought about different ways to raise me, when to let me pierce my ears, how to let me dress at what age, etc.
The fights were never really bad until I was a teenager. They were never physical, it’s just a lot of shouting. They are both incredibly strong willed people but at the end of the day you can see how much they love each other. My parents were best friends for 10 years before they got married.

Matty, Thank you for helping as well. You make a lot of insightful points.

Have you ever dated a friend? It just makes me curious as to the men always being completely taken by surprise. Are these men/ women ever been close to you before?

I have dated a few friends before. Those relationships went a little better than the ones I’ve had when I immediately jump into dating them.

It’s like once you have received enough attention you move on.

Ouch, I didn’t think so before, but that might be spot-on. I feel like I go long periods of time single and independent, but when I get lonely I seek someone’s attention. I tend to only do it when I’m starved for physical or emotional affection. Like a relationship camel.
I don’t feel ready for anything serious, but I also don’t know what I want. I long for someone whom I really connect with as more than a friend. (I have some very close friends whom I have such a strong bond with). But I think I want more than a friendship. I’m also concerned that I’m idealizing relationships too much. I want everything to come easy to me, and when it doesn’t I give up.

The difference that stands out the most to me with my ex is that he pursued me and took a little more control. I didn’t always have to do the work. When I do the work in a relationship, I tend to get tired very easily, and then I resent them as well. (Relating back to my need for things to come easily to me.) In past relationships I would be the person who picked where to eat, what movies to see, not because I’m bossy, but because the guys I dated were so indecisive. With my ex, he asked me to a movie with a movie already in mind. He checked to see if I was okay with the movie, but it was refreshing to see someone make a decision for once. He was also less shy than the others. He wasn’t afraid to show people that he loved me. I think things started to fall apart when he got emotional. He cried once, we had a fight over saying I love you, (I’m a notorious “I love you” slut. I even say it to the mailman.) I loved the lust and the need he had for me, but I also liked the feeling that he always wanted to protect me, he made me feel safe. I never had a boyfriend before who would (even after we were broken up) walk me to my car to make sure I was safe. I think he’s the closest I’ve ever come to really falling for a boyfriend. But there were too many problems with us.

I think I worry less about being perceived as “normal” and more about never finding someone because I’m this way.

Thank you for offering your advice and assistance. My initial thoughts were to link it back to a time where I had been deeply hurt as well. However, I can’t think of a time when I have ever been hurt. My family was amazing, I’ve always had good friends and I’ve dated so many different types that I can’t even attribute it to me just choosing the wrong kind of personalities.

Going off of something Matty said above:

When you end the relationships, how do others feel? is it mutual? is it “what…um…i don’t understand”? I guess it is ‘normal’ to feel nervous and a little depressed because its a recurring pattern. Well, it would make sense to start to re-evaluate what you do and do it differently. Instead of just flirting and letting the other partner initiate, why not you just go up and ask them if they are interested?

Every man I’ve ever dated has been totally blind-sighted. I know this is going to sound horrible and conceited but every time I’ve dated someone, they’ve been crazy about me and I’ve always had one foot out the door. I’ve also tried to take initiative, I’ve asked people out before, and I’ve gotten bored just as easily. There seems to be a small amount of time where I can tolerate a relationship, but when it comes down to it. I resent having to share my life with anyone. I hate having to text them, I don’t like small talk about our days, and I can’t stand how often we are supposed to see each other. I don’t want to be near anyone that often. It sounds exhausting! And then I lust after boys who don’t give me a second look. (I think it’s because to me they feel unattainable and therefore “safe” to like. I don’t have to worry about it going any further than a crush)

I think that is a huge part of my problem. However, I haven’t the slightest clue where to start to rectify the issue. If anyone has any advice, please help! This is so discouraging. I truly want to have a healthy and normal relationship, but it seems impossible at the moment.