I’m really glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I realize that even though I maintain good relationships with a number of people, they are still somewhat superficial and don’t really satisfy my need for connection.

I took some time today and made a list of the culprits that I feel prevent me from creating deeper connections:

– Low self-esteem and some mental health issues that continue to haunt me
– Feelings of shame and guilt for past relationships
– Fear of abandonment, but also a fear of abandoning others
– Fear of being rejected, but also a fear of rejecting others
– Fear of making the wrong connections (I have a past history of co-dependence)
– Feeling inadequate and not being ‘man enough’
– Difficulty in communicating difficult feelings verbally and being vulnerable (I do much better in writing)
– Fear of being overwhelmed by the suffering of others (sometimes I find it difficult to remain present in the face of other people’s problems and in order to prevent them from opening-up, I don’t open up)
– Not wanting to overwhelm others with the intensity of my feelings and not wanting to be a burden (even I get tired by my own feelings and I can’t imagine sharing that burden with others)

I recognize these feelings for what they are and where they come from, but the way forward still seems murky and uncertain.

Everything I read about boredom talks about having some sort of creative outlet. For me, creativity and relationships usually go hand in hand – I create to share with others. Not having a deeper relationship with people with whom I can share my creativity doesn’t give me a lot of motivation to create in the first place.

Thanks for sharing your stories. I’m grateful for having this outlet where I can share and express myself more freely without fear of judgement or criticism.