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Boredom and Loneliness

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  • #36658
    John
    Participant

    Boredom and loneliness are two themes that seem to be running in my life over the past little while. When things are going well, they’re going well, but then when they dip down, they seem to settle around boredom and loneliness.

    I have a list of hobbies (both physical and intellectual) a mile long and try to change things up as often as I can. My social calendar is pretty full and I try to strike the right balance between family and friends, but I also give myself plenty of alone time. Nevertheless, when I just sit with myself and look deep down inside, I recognize that I’m actually very bored and lonely. I’m trying not to run away from these feelings but rather just let them linger in the hopes that it will trigger some sort of change or action, but nothing has happened yet.

    I think what I’m really looking for is something to take me out of myself – something that directs my energy outward toward something bigger than myself and get’s me out of my own head for a while.

    Has anyone else experienced a similar state before?

    #36677
    Kay
    Participant

    I actually feel like I’m the poster girl for bored and lonely. I’m completely surrounded by people but hold myself off from allowing full connections. I feel unworthy on some level and since others have left me alone in the past I now push people away first to avoid my preconceived notion they will only leave me alone again. So counterintuitive but here I am, alone again …naturally. I’ve started seeking a way out of my self imposed fortress of solitude and think I will start writing short stories about a woman who is so desperate to connect that she disconnects. I hope by the time I’m done she, and I, will be found.

    #36682
    Carlee
    Participant

    Ditto!! I’ve read some Martha Beck. She says when you don’t have a passion, follow a spark. Hmmm… No spark. The Passion Test is a great book detailing how to create the ideal life. But, I failed the test….. I am tired of being lonely, bored and blah in a room full of people with a mile-long to do list. Worst part is I have cancer. I am doing really well after being told I had a few months to live (and that was 2 yrs ago.) If ANYONE should feel overjoyed constantly, it should be me. That thought just makes me feel more guilty!!

    #36703
    Anne Southern
    Participant

    IOn paper my life looks pretty ok. My head tells a completely different story. I try very hard to live in the now…..Does’t happen often enough. Some days I wonder if I’ve been such a bad person to have ended up this lonely.I protect myself for fear of ejection. I have 2 grown up children and 6 grandchildren. I’m close to my family, but they don’t need me with them constantly. I feel guilty about my childrens pasts,although they tell me their fine and to live my life…….What life.. I feel I should be out there having a wonderful time. My friend died of Cancer last year,he wanted so much to live. Had plans for the future was full of life. Makes me feel awful because I don;t have that jest for life. Friends tell me I’ve built such an high fortress around myself no one can reach me…….. I’ve recently joined this site after another Sunday spent lo
    looking for answers

    #36724
    John
    Participant

    I’m really glad to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

    I realize that even though I maintain good relationships with a number of people, they are still somewhat superficial and don’t really satisfy my need for connection.

    I took some time today and made a list of the culprits that I feel prevent me from creating deeper connections:

    – Low self-esteem and some mental health issues that continue to haunt me
    – Feelings of shame and guilt for past relationships
    – Fear of abandonment, but also a fear of abandoning others
    – Fear of being rejected, but also a fear of rejecting others
    – Fear of making the wrong connections (I have a past history of co-dependence)
    – Feeling inadequate and not being ‘man enough’
    – Difficulty in communicating difficult feelings verbally and being vulnerable (I do much better in writing)
    – Fear of being overwhelmed by the suffering of others (sometimes I find it difficult to remain present in the face of other people’s problems and in order to prevent them from opening-up, I don’t open up)
    – Not wanting to overwhelm others with the intensity of my feelings and not wanting to be a burden (even I get tired by my own feelings and I can’t imagine sharing that burden with others)

    I recognize these feelings for what they are and where they come from, but the way forward still seems murky and uncertain.

    Everything I read about boredom talks about having some sort of creative outlet. For me, creativity and relationships usually go hand in hand – I create to share with others. Not having a deeper relationship with people with whom I can share my creativity doesn’t give me a lot of motivation to create in the first place.

    Thanks for sharing your stories. I’m grateful for having this outlet where I can share and express myself more freely without fear of judgement or criticism.

    #36730
    Lester
    Participant

    You are not the only one my friend. Know that everyone feels that way at some point of their life.

    For most of my life I felt alone. I didn’t have any body to talk to with true honesty. Not even my parents.
    My parents are die hard christians and their sense of life just didn’t fit in with me. I tried questioning their fate
    one time which broke into a major argument. Since then I just held my opinions to myself and waited till I moved out.

    When I moved out I realized how lost I was. I struggled to fit in the real world because my entire life consist of
    being surrounded with close minded people. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. I didn’t belong with my family
    so I went out in the world thinking I belong somewhere else only to be disappointed. Believe it or not I spent 6 months
    talking to only one person and I wouldn’t even consider him a friend, he was my landlord in my apartment. We only talked
    about the bills I have to pay every time we talked.

    Soon after I found myself taking long walks on the beach. It was there that I realized what was wrong. I felt alone because
    I viewed everyone as different from myself. I distanced myself from people and I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally and
    mentally. I realized that every time I meet a potential friend, I would find a reason why they couldn’t be. I would think
    I’m not good enough, or I would see and not accept their flaws, or just plainly label them as different.

    After that, I realized I am really not alone. I have great neighbor who invites me for lunch every once in a while, I have a great boss
    who gives me advice on my life. I have great coworkers whom I work with. I have wonderful classmates who are itching to take me to
    bar for the first time. If I really look around me and really see my surroundings, I am actually surrounded by friends, it’s just my own
    ego and ignorance that prevents me from seeing them. All I have to do is switch my perception and all of the sudden I have
    awaken to the truth.

    So the point is boredom and loneliness are just an illusion you create for yourself. I’m not saying that they dont exist but what I’m
    saying is that with the right thought it can easily be remedied. It’s ok to be bored and lonely, you don’t have to look at it as some horrible
    disease you should avoid at all cost. If you are bored and lonely, that is all there is to it sooner or later it will pass.

    My friend remember the quality your life depends on how you view it. All you have to do is remember that you have an incredible gift being alive, if you realize that, boredom or not, you will appreciate every second of your life. I wish you the best of luck!

    http://www.lesterdc.com

    #36731
    Lester
    Participant

    You are not the only one my friend. Know that everyone feels that way at some point of their life.

    For most of my life I felt alone. I didn’t have any body to talk to with true honesty. Not even my parents.
    My parents are die hard christians and their sense of life just didn’t fit in with me. I tried questioning their fate
    one time which broke into a major argument. Since then I just held my opinions to myself and waited till I moved out.

    When I moved out I realized how lost I was. I struggled to fit in the real world because my entire life consist of
    being surrounded with close minded people. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. I didn’t belong with my family
    so I went out in the world thinking I belong somewhere else only to be disappointed. Believe it or not I spent 6 months
    talking to only one person and I wouldn’t even consider him a friend, he was my landlord in my apartment. We only talked
    about the bills I have to pay every time we talked.

    Soon after I found myself taking long walks on the beach. It was there that I realized what was wrong. I felt alone because
    I viewed everyone as different from myself. I distanced myself from people and I don’t mean physically, I mean emotionally and
    mentally. I realized that every time I meet a potential friend, I would find a reason why they couldn’t be. I would think
    I’m not good enough, or I would see and not accept their flaws, or just plainly label them as different.

    After that, I realized I am really not alone. I have great neighbor who invites me for lunch every once in a while, I have a great boss
    who gives me advice on my life. I have great coworkers whom I work with. I have wonderful classmates who are itching to take me to
    bar for the first time. If I really look around me and really see my surroundings, I am actually surrounded by friends, it’s just my own
    ego and ignorance that prevents me from seeing them. All I have to do is switch my perception and all of the sudden I have
    awaken to the truth.

    So the point is boredom and loneliness are just an illusion you create for yourself. I’m not saying that they dont exist but what I’m
    saying is that with the right thought it can easily be remedied. It’s ok to be bored and lonely, you don’t have to look at it as some horrible
    disease you should avoid at all cost. If you are bored and lonely, that is all there is to it sooner or later it will pass.

    My friend remember the quality your life depends on how you view it. All you have to do is remember that you have an incredible gift being alive, if you realize that, boredom or not, you will appreciate every second of your life. I wish you the best of luck!

    http://www.lesterdc.com

    #36734
    StraightNoChaser
    Participant

    You are preaching to the choir! I feel like the combination of loneliness and boredom = depression. You feel like your missing something.
    I also feel disconnected from the world around me. I feel even when I have a partner or friend i don’t feel connected or safe.
    I think therapy would help, talking with a professional so you don’t have to feel like a burden. I’m interested to see what solutions you come up with because I think it’s more than finding a hobby or something to do.
    All the best!

    #36737
    Nisha Chandra
    Participant

    Greetings John! Every person in this world has his own purpose. When we live for our purpose we never feel lonely or unhappy . All frustration and boredom is a signal that you are not on the right track. Find out your passion and make it your profession.Life will change after that.I have read a article, check it out..It helped me a lot and it might be useful for you as well.

    http://upsohigh.com/purpose-of-life/

    “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did.

    So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails.

    Explore. Dream. Discover.”

    These are not my lines Lol…. best of luck 🙂

    #36739
    Pratyush
    Participant

    Do what you want to do and be happy with yourself…..then there will be no depression,loneliness,boredom etc….
    Thats my view 🙂

    #36751
    Anne Southern
    Participant

    Hi John. Your list of culprits are nearly identical to my own. I’m trying to be creative,( although forcing myself would be a more honest) Other people tell me I’m my own worst enemy. With my long list of reasons to live in my insular world. Like most people I would love to have more confidence self esteem, but over the years I’ve lost both. I get invited out by family and friends.I’ll mostly go along, only to find I’m observing not participating. I allow no one to build a close relationship with me for fear of history repeating itself. I also have some mental health issues, which results in my self contained fortress always being guarded . Today after reading many helpful posts on Tiny Buddha forum, I’ve decided if while walking my dog Freddy , someone stops to say hi or fuss him I’m going to take pleasure being in the now. Thank you for sharing. It makes so much difference Knowing many of us are experiencing similar situations

    #36760
    John
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, insights, and articles. This has been a really good learning experience.

    Something that Lester said really hit home for me, .”..I felt alone because I viewed everyone as different from myself…I realized that every time I meet a potential friend, I would find a reason why they couldn’t be.”

    And, yesterday, as I was reading “Mindfulness in Plain English” by the Ven. Henepola Gunaratana, once again, I was faced with the same concept, “Don’t dwell upon contrasts: Differences do exist between people, but dwelling up on them is a dangerous process. Unless carefully handled, it leads directly to egotism. Ordinary human thinking is full of greed, jealousy, and pride.”

    Along with the list of fears that I had listed earlier, I’ve also become very aware of how often I distance between myself and others through ongoing judgements and criticism of either inferiority or superiority. Just walking down the street or talking to people, there’s a constant flow of evaluation going, “He’s better looking than I am….I’m better looking than he is…She doesn’t sound very intelligent when she speaks…Wow, she sounds really smart…Why won’t he stop talking…How could he wear that…She’s hot…She’s not…” and on and on and on it goes constant judgement and criticism of everyone around me – not just friends, but perfect strangers on the street!

    And of course, I recognize that voice is also judging and criticizing me and preventing me from being my authentic self and really connecting with people.

    I really need to work on stopping these automatic reflexes of thought, which are usually so negative. My meditation instructors talk about approaching the mind like an unruly child – correct it’s actions, but be gentle, kind, and compassionate. But sometimes, I just want to slap it over my knee and giving it a good spanking. 😛

    I know I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but I can’t begin count the number of relationships and connections that have been missed because of so much disdain and ego.

    #37034
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Anne, you too sound so much like myself…. I am finding it really hard these days also to accept the fact that there are so many people out there who feel the same yet we still end up lonely and fighting out own battles rather than being able to connect in daily life and support one another. I pray that this will change. Wishing you all the best. Anne

    #81303
    anon
    Participant

    I understand these feelings very well. I go through periods of feeling bored, and lonely. When I am feeling bored it’s almost like I am searching for some sense of adventure. It seems like the daily routine is just stagnant and just goes on. I am currently studying business, I want to start my own business, and sometimes I can’t find my passion. Sometimes it’s almost like when I feel that I am getting somewhere, I don’t know enough. Today I am feeling like the road ahead is just so long, and spent with my days studying, and trying to reach my goals. I feel lonely because recently I lost alot of friends. I am not sure why but we just seem not to connect as much, and even though I am sure I will find friendship again, I also feel like I have lost the ability to truly connect with others. I’ve grown to keep an eye on those close to me because so many have ended up betraying me in some way. I have found a way to forgive these people but it doesn’t seem to help me let my guard down.
    I recently read an article saying how boredom isn’t always a bad thing. There is always a middle in between every journey, and boredom just means that you are on the track to where you want to go. The point is to just keep pushing through until the next milestone is met.

    #81636
    Leanne
    Participant

    I am similar to the above writer, i too go through phases of lonliness, not so much boredom, just times of feeling really disconnected to the world. I used to have a lot of friends throughout school and uni, and even though i speak to a good few of these still, i can’t help but feel i have somehow lost my identity and my close, comfortable relationships with friends that i truly relate with. It doesn’t help that the majority of these are long distance and that literally close friendships, i have only a couple, so at weekends or free periods of time, i normally do things alone or with my boyfriend if i don’t plan in advance. A lot of the time i envy close social circles, i miss having a large group of mates to always spend Friday night with but then i remind myself i’m lucky to have the friends i do have, no matter where they are. I however, would love to have friends in closer proximity to me. As for boredom, read read, walk walk. The world is a beautiful place and books can take you away to other beautiful places.

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