Oskari,

It does seem you’re somewhat down, but relating to your feelings pretty well all things considered! I really like the way you were able to break it up into different chunks. It might help (at least make you feel less alone) to read up on the stages of grief. You’ve got them pretty well nailed in my opinion.

As is often the case with an analytic mind, you seem to be being lead around by your thoughts. Said differently, you seem to be spinning and spinning inside your head. You also seem to think that it is the girl who is making you depressed, but that is delusion. Its the spinning in your head that drains the vitality.

I’m so sorry for the rough spot you’re in, it sounds very painful. Sakyong Mipham has a great book “Turning the Mind into an Ally” that can help with the spinning thoughts. Really, until you realize that the spinning is the cause and try to help your mind settle, there is little advice not already expressed in the thread that will help you.

Everyone has difficulties like yours, but the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy, we can choose to set it down. That’s when we can see the way things really are.

You’re a good man, and will certainly love again. Your romantic spirit is grieving, and its just that your mind isn’t giving it space to breathe. Its no wonder you feel like you’re drowning! Suck it up, man up, and stand up to the spinning. Get your butt on a cushion and breathe. When your mind starts racing say “yes, there is a lot of unknown, but here is my body and it is breathing, grieving, healing”. You ask how long the razors come, and that’s up to you and how stubbornly your brain hangs on to the past. Sorry for the tough love, I mean no harm… but really! Wake up!

With warmth,
Matt