Ray,
With reverence and respect for you and your situation, I will offer you my heartfelt input.
I truly believe that we are such complex beings. Being human means that we embody every human emotion, love, hate, fear, regret, and on and on. I often take solace just in that fact – knowing that when I’m feeling what I just to be a “bad” emotion – I’m just being human. Anger and such can serve a spiritual purpose. It can show us aspects of ourselves we don’t understand and even provide a vehicle for change. Humans don’t like change, and often it takes very dramatic and upsetting events – to make us MOVE out of unhealthy patterns!
I too have recently felt anger (not the first time, Ha) about things and people in my life. I try to look at why am I angry? What about this is pushing my buttons so hard? Sometimes the anger is valid – but rarely is it a solution – and getting stuck there does nothing to help us move forward.
Writing is great! I’ve kept a journal almost my whole life. I allow myself to write whatever I want. Then sometime later I go back and read it – and it somehow puts me into an “observer” mode. I can detach from the issue and read the story. I’m not feeling the pain as much and most times I can see why I did what I did.
Please don’t “hate” any part of yourself, no matter how much you judge it to be BAD. You did what you did because that is what you knew then! (think Oprah said that). When I need to find compassion for myself I will often say – if a friend was telling me this story – what would I say?
We often will be so tough on ourselves. Try to look at yourself as an amazing human being (that I know you are) who has gone through unique life experiences. If you really do look at what you’ve gone through – and who you are – you will love the person you are! Blessings