Kirsty,
I can only share what my experience has been with self discovery over my 58 years of living. I can definitely say that no amount of knowledge or desire to do better is wasted. It might be invisible at times, but never wasted. Yes, there are times that things seem to go along smoothly and I think, wow, I must have it now! Then life hits me in the face with some type of physical, emotional or relationship challenge. Then I begin to doubt myself because I am faced with something that is making me uncomfortable and I’m afraid.
All the work we do on ourselves doesn’t always come easy. It doesn’t always feel “right” at first because it’s not integrated fully into us. Initially, I find I react from a painful place in my heart. I want to make things right, get people to see my point of view, make people pay for hurting me, and on and on. But as I sit with that, and lately, this site has provided me an opportunity to be heard and receive non judgmental input. I can then try to put all the “emotional” and “ego head stuff” into a different perspective.
I used to think that the more I learned and practice – I would somehow get to this place of enlightenment. That my life challenges would be less difficult because I had somehow changed my karma.
But what I’m learning is that – I am human. As such, I have all the same challenges everyone else does. The names, faces, and situations are just different. Difficulty comes and often I say – did I not suffer enough in my life already – is there any “light at the end of the tunnel” for all the hard work? Tough questions but now I believe because we are human and because life is not perfect and because we live surrounded by challenging people and events – it is just an ongoing process of facing what is before us – the best we can. Sometimes I find I can revert to reacting like a hurt child – depending on the challenge. Obviously we all have our “hot button” issues. Recently I posted about my difficulties in my marriage of 38 years and after writing it – I was astonished at how far I didn’t come (at first). Now I’m learning to look at what about this situation can I change to empower myself in a healthy way. I seem to put much to much importance of what others think and feel, and how I can keep the peace. I’m learning that my life – is exactly that – my life. I can’t blame anyone else for anything. We allow outside forces to affect us.
None of this is easy – I hope something I said helped. This is not by any means any easy journey for anyone! We are very brave souls to want to walk through our lives with some awareness – not everyone chooses that path.
Blessings
Pat