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16yrs later, it still feels right!

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  • #368175
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    I know this is going to be the craziest thing you ever read. It goes:

    One of my best friends in high school introduced me to Lawrence. He was tall, cute and had a heart so pure, even l felt l wasnt good enough. He had a soft voice but was well spoken and no one l have dated after has measured up to his intelligence. I admired the brain he was given and believed he was destined for greatness.

    We played, we joked and with his tricks introduced me to his family members, l loved them. I was only 14 at the time but in his eyes and actions, I knew l had me “THE” one. Our relationship was never sexually physical, he never asked me to, he never pushed me to do anything l didnt want to do. He was my rock, the man l have always thought back to and wanted. After high school he moved to a place so far away, l couldnt see him often but when ever he was home, he made sure to tell me. I kept in touch with his sisters.

    I tried to keep in touch, sometimes a year would go by without seeing him, a few months would go by without a call. We didnt break up officially, it just went silent one day. So, l moved on. I moved myself after high school to a different country, a neighbour to his. One day l was home in the shower and the song he once dedicated to me a few years before that, hadnt heard it in a long time, played on the radio. I stopped in my tracks, smiled and cried, remembering my love. Strangely I didnt remember his phone number but I recited it in the shower and phoned him afterwards. It was a Bitter-sweet moment and we promised to stay in touch. 16years later we still have moments of reconnection, staying in touch sometimes through social media.

    I am married now with a young son, he is living with someone with two daughters. In our recent connection, I told him l still wanted him. Now that l live in Europe, he asked me if l would relocate? Its a long road to that point but l’ve never doubted he is what l want. Grown up now l think, what if with all the Love we have for each other, what if it doesnt work?

    #368191
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady:

    You shared that you are “married now with a young son”; you reconnected with a high school crush/ boyfriend of 16 years before, and told him that you “still wanted him”. You currently live in Europe and he asked you to relocate to where he lives. You are wondering: “what if with all the Love we have for each other, what if it doesn’t work?”-

    – I don’t understand: are you considering moving to his country with your young son and husband, or with your young son only, or.. just you, leaving your husband and son behind?

    And since “he is living with someone with two daughters”, is he planning on moving out from where he is living and live with you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #368192
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    This is difficult ….. as old flames burn bright in the dark of the lonely night .

    I had a friendship with a woman over 30 years ago, it was not sexual but we were very attracted to each other, but circumstances were against us. This was before the age of social media so we lost contact for over 30 years . We did connect earlier this year but it fizzled out because in the end we realised we had our lives today and did not want to hurt loves ones by connecting with a nostalgic fantasy from a long time ago….. in the end old flames can’t hold a candle to the person who has lived a real life with you .

    I wish you strength and awareness as you navigate this oxymoron of the heart

     

    #368196
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    Hei Anita.

    I have been married for 5years and been with my partner for 6years. My son is only 1year 6 months and our relationship is broken. No emotional connection, no physical connection or action either since before my boy was born. I often laugh and say its secondary virginity.

    On an honest note though, thinking of our future has driven me to really deep levels of depression. His way of parenting just stresses me out, we have tried counseling but it seems not to have helped. We have sat down once and agreed things arent working. I think neither one of us has wanted to ask for divorce but those words have been at the tip of my mouth lately.

    I suffered an injury in work that has led me to suffering from nerve pain so l have really horrible pain. He has a look of disgust on his face when l asked him to rub my sore leg and doesnt seem to enjoy taking care of me. Is this what l really want in old age, l think not.

    I want to move with my child but l do realize its not fair for him to grow up without his dad. My high school boyfriend (we dated for 4years) and l have been talking at length and agree on being together but that there is a lot that needs fixing in our lives before then.

    #368197
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    Dear Canadian Eagle:

    I do understand what you mean, its so difficult. True someone who has been there for you would be way worth. Its not all the time that it works out and yet we may have to be grown up about it. We did agree in the past that we wanted to try and work things out before, but l was in college then and broke. Couldnt move much around to manage the relationship. This guy has always said to me money isnt a problem and if l want to come and see him, I should just tell him. I live in Europe now, he still tells me he can buy my ticket and l should tell him when l am ready to come and see him. I’ve held back in the past because l thought l didnt want to be a home wrecker. Wasnt married then and didnt have kids when he started saying this. He hasnt stopped saying it, Everytime we talk on the phone.

    A recent illness has made me realize that we only live once. I have never stopped loving him, never doubted it. He has told me he loves me in our conversations and as much as l want to walk out of my marriage tomorrow, I want to secure my child’s future first.

    #368210
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady:

    I will read and reply to you in about 8 hours from now.

    anita

    #368220
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady

    In you situations seven people will potentially have their lives altered if you processed to be with “this guy”. Three are children who could spend a life time trying to understand what happened, why a parent left and the disruptive aftermath.

    I suggest you forget about “this guy” for 12 months with zero contact. Focus on your husband, decide together if you have a future. Because of your child you life and your husbands are wound together no matter what you do, so if you decide to divorce you will have to agree how you rear your son. Once you have figured out your future with your husband, then and only then can you start to consider what role  “this guy” plays in your life .

     

    Tony

    #368221
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady

    Another point of interest, all marriages have hard times . After the birth of children , especially the first child, can be especially hard. The excitement of youth, love and freedom are replace overnight by responsibility , demands and limitations .

    When you child begin to have a level of self containment ( around 4 years old) to you feel you can start reclaiming your life. It is possible that “this guy” represents a fast track back to your old self.

    Tony

    #368224
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady:

    You wrote about your husband’s parenting of your 1.5 year old child: “His way of parenting just stresses me out”, that “it’s not fair for him to grow up without his dad”, and, “I want to secure my child’s future first”-

    – I don’t know what about his parenting stresses you out, but if his parenting harms your child, or is likely to harm your child, and your parenting is right for your child, then it is fair for your child to grow up without his father, and you will be securing your child’s future when you protect him from harm.

    You shared that you’ve been with your husband for six years, and that for the last two years or so, there has been no emotional and physical “connection or action”. The two of you attended counseling, but it didn’t help, and the two of you “agreed things weren’t working”.

    You suffered a work injury that caused you horrible nerve pain. When you asked your husband to rub your sore leg, his reaction was “a look of disgust”-

    – this reaction, if it is not an isolated incident, and if the disgust you saw in his face is not about his own stomach ache or so, is troubling to me- for a person to not feel empathy for another person in pain, to feel disgust instead of empathy, that’s sort of.. an emotional deal breaker, are words that come to my mind. What do you think?

    anita

    #368248
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    Dear Canadian Eagle,

    I understand your point. When you put it that way, you make me realize what a horrible thing I must be thinking. Yet still the love l feel us love l have never felt for anyone. I just feel bad for the children involved. Leaving my husband isnt something l need time to think about. I have had the last 1year to do that. Thank you for your insight

    #368249
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    He may be a good dad in his own way but its that helicopter parenting that my child can not be himself, can not ‘almost’ touch anything in the house. Every child climbs surfaces, he brings him down forcefully and sometimes to me almost seems like he throws him on to the baby sofa. I once told him not to throw him. His responses to correction are usually anger. My husband uses hearing aids and struggles when there is more than that one person talking. My son was making some noise one day and I was saying something to him. In his bid to clear this extra noise he annoyingly pushed my son away. He stumbled back wards almost falling into the edge of the wall. Seeing him break down in shock broke my heart. I was so angry. I didnt grow up with my father so the presence of the male figure is important.

    The rub is not an isolated incident. On two occasions he wore gloves to rub my back. I was torn. We are both nurses but l am his wife. I dont have skin disease or anything, it was just a sore back. His negative actions just strengthen why l feel l want to leave. He is not a man of many words except to our son but to me actions speak louder

    #368267
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady:

    Your 1.5 year-old son climbs surfaces and his father “brings him down forcefully“, sometimes he “throws him on to the baby sofa”. When you told him to not throw him, his responses “are usually anger”, and he “annoyingly pushed my son away”, your son then “stumbled backwards almost falling.. in shock”- I don’t need any more information so to conclude that him being “a good dad in his own way“, is equal to him being a harmful dad in your young son’s way of emotional experience.

    If you can manage to remove your son from his father’s undisciplined angry behavior, you will do right by your son.

    “I didn’t grow up with my father so the presence of the male figure is important”- the presence of an angry father who does not contain his anger, is harmful for a child. It is better for a child to not have a male figure in his life than to have a male figure who harms the child.

    You shared that you and your husband are nurses, and that he used gloves to rub your back, even though you don’t have a skin disease.

    I wonder.. why did you get together with him, why did you stay with him.. why did you marry him (?)

    anita

    #368468
    Chatty Lady
    Participant

    Hei Anita,

    My apologies for the late reply, currently admitted in hospital for my back problem. You asked why l married him, why l stayed with him. Honestly, l cared and loved him. I believed that we all have imperfections and that l wasnt perfect myself. However, l feel like l have made more effort to fix somethings about myself. He seemingly doesnt want to grow up. He treats our son like a grown up, doesnt know how to handle a child. I thought he would learn just like l did. He isnt interested in learning, he wants to stay the way l found him. It feels sad to watch my marriage break down because no one gets married with the intention to leave.

    #368477
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chatty Lady:

    I am sorry that you keep suffering from your work injury and hope the injury heals as much as it is possible for it to heal.

    In your recent post, you made a very succinct (especially for what one would expect from a “Chatty Lady”, lol) argument for ending your marriage and for protecting your son from his father’s misguided parenting. Why not proceed toward a separation and divorce, doing it in a cautious, responsible way, practically and legally?

    anita

    #368540
    Zed
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I think your partner sounds angry and is finding it hard to cope. A practical thing he could do is wear ear mufflers or something to block out sound – I worked in a cochlear service in a hospital and people who need hearing aids can find noises we find normal quite distressing and generally hear differently. It might be that he is chronically distressed from constant noises that increase his emotional reactivity – thus making it hard for him to be tolerant.

    I think with regards to the gloves and the massage, it’s something that would upset me too, but I think the best thing to do with a partner (if you want to stay) is to try and be compassionate and praise him in a way for doing things that you like and he will likely do this more. It seems like you are trying hard in this marriage and I wonder if he is trying too? It’s important that you show yourself love and only you know whether staying or leaving will be the most loving route for you and for your son.

    I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time – and with a young son. Ultimately I wish you the very best and hope that can stay safe. I worry that your husbands actions are aggressive and I wonder if there are behaviours that are on the aggressive side that maybe you have not felt comfortable sharing? (I only say this because it’s really common for us not to want to share the darker things to complete strangers!) But I want you to feel ok and hope that you and your son will be safe, once lines are crossed it’s very difficult to draw them out again. Relate is a good charity that helps with relationships, and there also loads of counselling charities if you’d like a listening ear. Alternatively – I’d write in a journal for yourself, there’s a lot that you’re going through and a lot you have invested and I can feel your sadness through the posts. I think you have the strength to get through this and I don’t think your partner is bad. Perhaps the person you fell in love with is still there, but they have changed with time and have the tendency to do more bad things that hurt you, and not the good things that he used to do which you grew to fall in love with.

    Wishing you peace and love x

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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