Hi Anita,

Thanks for your response much appreciated!

I would say that the grooming of myself is not the issue as I have been raised to always present myself well in that regard – not in a superficial/self-centred way but in a “take pride in the way you present” way so I don’t believe that’s a problem as I am often complimented for the way I dress/smell/appearance.

I can definitely improve areas such as continually working on my self esteem/self worth & trying to not take it as personally as I do sometimes it’s just beaten me down over a long period of time I guess

Hi Helcat

I want to just move on from this girl but it’s hard because I know there was at least something and it was just completely out of the blue and I know from experience that it’s pretty much dead in the water & to be honest I don’t want to risk putting myself out there again as much as I want a partner just for the same thing to happen and they don’t feel a connection to me. I don’t know whether I am supposed to go faster or slower, whether I need to physically escalate faster etc etc.

Basically feels like being down to earth, pretty much easy going in nature, having a stable job/family, being fit/healthy & having basic good morals/values is still not enough for someone to take a chance on me, what is it that I missing?

Oh I should of been more clear, the trip was just like a 4 day trip interstate with my best friend and his girlfriend which was pre-planned prior to meeting this girl. She had said she felt completely like herself around me and was more than happy to continue seeing me when I got back etc etc, affection was there. The only real sign of her going cold was when she ultimately mentioned it and I was a bit like to myself “what happened in 3/4 days”. I don’t regret reaching out after giving it a few weeks to breath to tell her that basically I think she’s a great girl whose worth the effort to get to know better if she’d ever be open to it again. I didn’t do it in a desperate way, I just told her what I thought of her (ie good values, good outlook on the future like my own, kind) & that it would be a shame given we were both comfortable etc to not get to know her better so I just said there’d be no pressure other than getting to know each other better & if she wasn’t into the idea ultimately I’d respect it. So without saying exactly what I said that was the gist of it so I hope even though she just reiterated what she had said to me previously I hope she still would have a good impression of me & know I was genuine & had right intention.

My work is busy but I am lucky where I am that it has the right amount of work/life balance and I tend to start earlier in the day if I am going to have a long day so I don’t get home late, and I would make the effort to spend time with a partner as they would ultimately be my priority.

I was only using Hinge which I just deleted, tinder & bumble I didn’t like for different reasons. Tinder wasn’t really my vibe & Bumble I really had no success so I just thought I’d pick one and stick to that so I picked Hinge.

I think before I deleted Hinge just the other day I had about 180ish matches over the course of last year when I had re-downloaded it. Usually the match doesn’t reply after a couple messages or if I happen to get into decent conversation with them I take it off the app & it might progress to a date from there. I can tell more so now with experience which girls I would be keen to meet pretty early on & I have been told that I come across the same in person as I do via message which they say is easy going/nice/good to talk to but maybe slightly quieter natured but not in a bad way.

Like I don’t doubt these women think I am a good person/nice to talk to etc etc, I can’t really remember any dating experiences having ended on bad terms to be honest as I may have mentioned I typically just accept things and don’t burn bridges particularly if I happened to like the girl just in the hope it might change sometimes but that’s wishful thinking in pretty much all cases from my experience as I have never had a girl really change their mind or get back in contact unless I randomly make it happen.

It sounds like I get friend zoned a lot, which is probably true but I don’t even think it is specifically “friend zoned” because if I am/was interested in a girl & that conversation comes up I usually just respect what they say but don’t really entertain the idea of really growing a friendship but I’ve definitely talked to girls I have dated from time to time on social media months after we’ve dated but they are very brief exchanges and I would not say we are “friends”.

This might not make sense but it feels like I am pretty much in-between a friend and a romantic connection. Like I think people see potential in me as a partner & more than a friend & I have been described by girls as someone they’d take home to their parents but then there’s not enough of a connection or spark for them to put in the effort to get to know me better on a deeper level or be patient even when things are going really well & there’s really no need not to explore something. I understand you can’t force a connection and I would never do that but gee it feels like I tick boxes but there’s one I don’t tick and that is basically what stops everything.

Now I am utterly confused, exhausted and drained as to how I am supposed to go about it anymore. I should be myself which I try to do but it feels like ultimately I’m really not worth the extra effort for a girl.

Hi Anita

Sure thing,

Basically I think I have always had a degree of anxiety coming from my parents as they can be stress heads and probably for me mainly within large group settings I have in the past struggled to really “find my feet” and be comfortable in my own skin enough to just relax and be myself which stems from low self esteem.

I do not believe people would really ever think upon meeting me that I have suffered from those type of things but I guess if I can explain it best it would be that I grew up around a very “alpha male” type of group and within sporting environments where sort of oneupmanship was a theme and a “boys club” type of vibe. Me personally I would describe as an introverted extrovert, like an onion type of analogy you have to peal back the layers to get to know me more and more but I am not necessarily shy I just need to warm up/get comfortable. I don’t think this really fit in with these types of groups even though I was respected by pretty much the whole group.

I think entering into adult life and throwing women into the mix of this dynamic perpetuated my anxiety & worsened my self esteem as the narrative in my head has become “you have to be an alpha male type” to get the girl otherwise eventually just being my natural down to earth laidback self will be too boring. So therefore because of this I struggled to really feel comfortable to be myself early on in dating but now it has changed.

I still have those thoughts and when things like this happen that’s sort of the line of thinking I instantly revert back to but I always try to be myself no matter what & I realise this opens me up to feel rejection quite heavily & self doubt ensues.

Where I am at now after the latest disappointment is basically even when you match values, future outlook, common interests etc etc and the boxes on both sides are being ticked it seems that I am not ultimately worth the effort for a girl to really seriously pursue. they don’t have a bad opinion of me, I think its the opposite but I am starting to believe whilst I may be thought of as a good guy, I am not quite good enough. Yes, maybe I haven’t met the right girl but I feel like for literally none of the women I have dated to really ever mention they even half like me in that way makes it hard to believe that will just change.