Sapna,

I’m sorry for the lonesomeness you’re feeling, and am happy you had a chance to go out for a girls weekend. I hope that you experienced more than envy, as you danced with the other women, was there warm affection along side the jealousy? Sometimes we feel we are an outsider, as though the happy people around us are on the other side of a gate… but the gate has no lock on it.

The advice from my teacher on feeling the feelings wasn’t regarding letting thoughts just bounce around in the head. Rather, we open to the body and mind and observe. “Here are feelings of lonesomeness and thoughts of lonesomeness.” Grieving our loss is inevitable, and suppressing or ignoring just prolongs it. Instead of pushing it away, we let it pass through.

But, in your case, it seems like you keep thinking that HE was the source of your good feelings. So to find them again, you keep looking for him (or another him). Sapna, I want to be gentle, but you have to wake up! He didn’t give you squat. The warm affection was in you the whole time… it wasn’t a gift he offered you, it was the way your body felt. He said nice words to you and you believed him. That gave the nice feelings. It wasn’t him, it was your belief in the version of you he called to.

You have to call to that version of yourself. Say sweet things to yourself, tell others why they are beautiful, talk and care for the people around you (including yourself). Said differently, instead of accepting the thoughts and feelings in our body as “just how it is” and falling into pity, we accept the thoughts and feelings in our body are “just how it is now” and take actions to help them settle. Have you lapsed in self nurturing? Are you still doing metta meditation?

I refuse to join you in your pity of Sapna. You built the prison, and you have the method to become free. There is a goddess inside you, so stop pretending like she isnt… like she is a victim of his apathy, or that she is only alive when others believe in her. She isn’t. She is beautiful, powerful, self sufficient, and carries the light with her. Or, keep crawling under your bed with tissues and self loathing. Its your journey… you have the paintbrush and the blank canvas.

Namaste, sister.

With warmth,
Matt

hi sapnap3, your story sounds similar to mine. I haven’t counted the days of no contact, but is been about 2 weeks, not counting the quick note he sent with the mail he forwarded to me last week and that I saw him this week as we both drove past each other just out of chance. I am trying to be social but I have also realised that I feel better with myself than with others, though I try to meet friends once a week if I can. I did the clubbing and alcohol thing that my friends encouraged me to do and I realised that at the moment alcohol makes me feel sorry for myself and the noise of clubs is too much for me. I am naturally a quiet and introverted person, but at the moment i’m so sensitive that I crave the silence and peace even more now than before. im retreating into my own space and walking, running and journaling, and very much a loner. I’ve been here before, I think i’m just healing, so I think its a phase.