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4months PBU and 3.5 months NC

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  • November 10, 2017 at 12:24 pm #177607
    Shrebex
    Participant

    Found this hard to condense, sorry, but Would love some outside perspective/general thoughts!

    Background: together nearly 2 years. Me f/25 and him m/25. The first year was LD whilst I travelled. We split up early July, 3 days before I started a new job which was pretty tough.

    We split as I have a short temper and found myself near constantly snapping at him/sulking(!) usually over nothing. He definitely had his faults but I don’t blame him for splitting up with me. I emailed him whilst he was thinking things through before we split up, outlining where I went wrong & how I intended to change that. Though he admitted I hit the nail on the head he said it didn’t feel ‘right’ to try again & felt he kept letting me down (which if I’m honest, was true). Naturally I was devastated. I’d been having ‘grass is greener’ thoughts since coming back but the BU made me realise what I wanted & no one could have been harder on themselves or filled with more regret.

    I told him I respected his decision & just wanted him to be happy, apologising for my behaviour. He was crying down the phone whilst ending it, saying I was a caring & generous person & another guy would be lucky to have me. I didn’t cry (tried to keep it together) & said much the same about him..I even made him laugh! I really wanted it to be easy on him as I felt so horrible. He told me he didn’t want me to disappear from his life but I said I couldn’t be friends due to my feelings and that it wouldn’t be fair.

    R.e. CONTACT: I put out ‘feelers’ and sent a follow-up text 2 weeks later again apologising, saying I was gutted but going to work on myself. I got a fairly mirrored response days later also apologising for his actions and from there I started NC. Though I didn’t check his social media, the whole thing caused me a lot of anxiety so 2months PBU I deleted FB (no regrets) & quietly removed him from my IG as he was always watching my stories/liking some of my posts & it just wasn’t helping me move on. He did try re-adding me a month or so later which I again declined.

    That was it until recently. He’s noticed a post from a friend who was advertising my new furniture for sale on FB & reached out to her today to say he saw the post & how was I doing? I guess he was curious about why I was selling it. I asked my friend to be polite & not reveal too much but why is he doing this? I understand my actions lost him but that doesn’t mean he has the right to know what’s going on in my life now, or go through​ my friends just because he’s curious. I’ve done nothing but respect his decision & try to move on so I feel like this has set me back somewhat.

    Sorry for the long post, I’m not really sure what I’m after here. Perspective? Support? Any kind of answer? Anything you lovely people have got for me is very much appreciated. A break up is rough, much more so when you blame yourself!

    November 10, 2017 at 1:17 pm #177615
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Shrebex,

    Yep, I’d feel the same way you do! I mean, you make a lot of sense to me. The way I understand it, you acknowledged to him that you mistreated him and that you intend to change your behavior; at that time he expressed that he didn’t want to continue a romantic relationship with you; you maturely accepted his decision, as painful as it was for you; he wished to keep in touch with you but you honestly (and wisely, in my opinion) told him that due to your feelings for him, you’re unable to do that; after 2 weeks you put out a “feeler” email telling him that you were going to work on yourself, but he was sticking to his decision; so you removed him from all your social media in an attempt to move on with your life; 3.5 months later he contacts your friend to ask how you are doing.

    Knowing him as well as you do, do you think that he anticipated beforehand that your friend was going to tell you that he asked about you and that he wants to know what your reaction upon hearing that news from her is? Maybe he’s not interested in getting back together but wants to know if you are still pining for him. Or maybe not. It’s hard to know what his motivation could be, but I say bravo to you for making a series of good decisions throughout this breakup process. My two cents: maybe try to do your best to carry on as if he hadn’t contacted your friend, continue your healing and working on yourself.

    B

    November 10, 2017 at 1:48 pm #177617
    Shrebex
    Participant

    Hello Brandy! Firstly thank you so much for taking the time to go through my post and respond so thoughtfully.  I see that you have commented on a few posts, giving very kind and relevant advice. You’re clearly a lovely person.

    Regarding my post, your summary was bang on. I don’t know if he thought my friend would tell me…I guess so? To be honest, he is a caring guy so I think he was maybe curious as to why I was selling furniture he had put together only a few months ago and really was wondering how I was doing.

     

    Regardless of the reasons behind this though, I have told friends to feel free to chat to him if they want to, but to be discreet when it comes to me and what is happening in my life. I’ve also politely asked them to not tell me about any more ‘back door’ interactions that occur as I feel it drags up more hurt and confusion than its worth, and hinders my ability to move forward.

    My thought is, I hope he leaves me alone to heal but if there is anything worth hearing then it’ll come from him directly and not through my friends.Here’s to bettering myself, sticking to NC and continuing to (hopefully!) make good decisions 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Shrebex.
    November 10, 2017 at 2:04 pm #177621
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi  Shrebex,

    You are very welcome, and thank you! 🙂

    B

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