Hi all, my name is Viv and I have been following and reading entries here for awhile and have always seen such an amazing amount of support from those who take time to respond. Now I am here trying to find some advice for myself. I want to warn you that this is a long back-story and post…

My partner and I have been together for 8 years. We got together when we were both 18. This current relationship has been the first serious relationship for both of us, we share many ‘first’ times together. We both come from broken families with single-mothers. We both have had traumas in our life, mainly emotional trauma like feelings of neglect and verbal abuse. The difference for him was that he still had his dad to support him and teach him valuable life lessons, my dad was not in the picture growing up and still isn’t.

People change, this was the case for us but him more so than me. He was a big social person and we met at a party. After 2 years, he stopped drinking alcohol because it was making him feel sick. All the binge drinking and going out was catching up to him. He took it into his own hands and stopped drinking alcohol. Due to this, he lost friends because they no longer had that common interest. He soon learnt that he borrowed alcohol to become more extroverted when really he is a very big introvert. He went through some sadness of not having these friends anymore but soon learned that they were not his true friends anyways when it boiled down to it. He learnt self love and that true happiness came from within, he no longer needed any validation from anyone. He made new friends. When he stopped drinking alcohol, I was still socializing with the same group of friends that we both use to hang out with. It was difficult for me as I couldn’t enjoy myself knowing he was at home. I found myself not hanging out with my friends as much anymore. I became very unhappy. To move forward from that we accepted that being his introverted self, he was more than happy for me to still have fun and see my friends without him having to come along. He is a very supportive partner but he also has his flaws just like I do.

Our problem is that our relationship has always suffered because of poor communication and not wanting to resolve issues, these two issues were my negatives, he is a proactive personality and is always looking to try and communicate well and resolve anything that comes up. This includes pointing out when I am wrong and not being able to put something to rest until i completely understand where I was wrong and then apologize for it authentically or else he will not accept the apology and have a whole talk about that too. At the 4 year mark, the relationship was suffering but we put it aside when he got a knee injury that took him out of work… he has not been working for 4 years now and I have been the financial support, we have now moved out and have been living together for 1 year. Previously we lived apart with our mums and then I moved in with him and his mum when he injured his knee. Those 3 years into his knee injury was a really dark time for both of us. He hit rock bottom and we were on the verve of breaking up but I couldn’t leave because I was all he had, I stayed through the hardest time in his life.

Now he has improved greatly physically and mentally he is at a point where he is entirely happy with himself, he conquered all his demons. He constantly gives me unsolicited advice on how to improve myself. My problems include: no self love, always looking to please friends and putting myself last therefore not being my authentic self, our relationship dynamic is based on fear – i have fear of judgement from him and so i often tell white lies about whether i am on facebook or instagram because he doesnt like it (for example). He tells me that my fear of judgement is in my head, he doesn’t judge me, he just wants me to grow. he has strong opinions and he says that i just dont want to agree with him. He is trying to help me become a better person but I hate everything he is saying to me. The truth does hurt but he does not believe in sugar coating anything – for him it is just black and white. It boggles his mind that I can keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I have numbed my feelings towards him because all I have is hate. I have told him on numerous occasions that he needs to give me space to go on my own self-discovery journey. He had his time to go on his own journey without me telling him what he should do and think. I feel like the support he is trying to give me is counter productive. He often says that I have a victim mentality and this could be true, but I always ask him to try and approach things differently so that I do not have a defensive response each time he gives advice.

I am at a point of telling him that we have become too distant. Every time I say I want to break up with him, he says he loves me and he knows we can be an amazing couple if only I manage to become a better person (not lie and just be true). I know he loves me and has to put up with a lot of things that I do that hurt his feelings. I don’t pay him enough attention and keep ignoring him. I treat my friends better that him. To me, these are red flags that we are no longer compatible. I would rather be single and happy. Maybe I will take a lot longer to reach my authentic self without him but I am more upset everyday being with him. My constant feelings are that I am not good enough. Everyday he tells me when i forget to make the bed, that i need to make a list so that i don’t forget things, he criticizes me for saying stupid things and not using my brain, he doesn’t like it if i laugh off mistakes because I will never learn – he is very serious about all this … I’ve had enough. I know I sound like a child because it is true, I have that attitude and he tells me all the time.

My question is… if i have tried enough times to self-reflect and improve while being in a relationship with him and it isn’t working, am I better off biting the bullet and breaking up with him to start a new chapter on my own and go out in search for a partner when I resolve my issues and find my authentic self? I know that I am letting go of an amazing person who is very spiritually aware and loves me whole hearted and only wants to best for me. I know that the feelings are no longer mutual.

Please tell me if you think that I am immature and should be taking on all of his help positively… I often feel like it is always my opinion VS his and that he always says that 90% of the population would be behind him.

Any advice would be great… I constantly tell him of things I read and he always says that I just need to apply it but I don’t. I want him to stop being ‘in charge’ of what I do or don’t do.

Should I stay or should i break up with him?