July 13, 2013 at 9:08 am #38537JerryParticipant
Reflections on posts and my relationships has led me here. As a guy I don’t know if I am as tuned in as some of the women but here goes anyway.
Creating a sustainable loving relationship. Keeping that sense of closeness, intimacy, shared wispers, inside jokes, the delight of the sensual, touch of skin against skin, scent, taste, sounds, smiles, that feeling of oneness, communion I guess.
I know that it requires vulnerability, the willingness to not only keep my heart open but connect on those deeper emotional levels that move a relationship into the rarified air of happiness.
But here is the shift.
In my spiritual practice I have found that beautiful presence at my core that allows me experience myself as one with God/Goddess/All that is. I don’t need someone out there to find that happiness.
I thought that the only way I could experience that sense of oneness was with someone else, but I am realizing that this thought needs to shift. That on a fundamental level I had false thinking.
So my focus has been on allowing myself to be more present when I am feeling lonely and discontented. And I am shifting from looking out there to looking in here. It feels more authentic and I am starting to feel more grounded and well founded.
So where it seems to be going is to allow myself to be happy first and then find someone to share it with. Maybe this is obvious to some but I finally realized that I was depending on someone else that would “make me happy” and that strategy wasn’t working.
That when I was “falling in love” I experienced that closeness, but there was an addictive need for the other underlying the relationship. That when I couldn’t get my ‘fix’ from the other then things began to unravel. There was something inherently unstable at work. I still loved the other, but that sense of communion was not sustainable.
Does this make sense?
I want a relationship that is sustainable. I have started therapy to dig down in the basement to clean out some old baggage.
But this shift has awakened my prayer life in such a subtle, but gentle way that I really like. Sometimes the old pains and depressive thoughts roll in, but feeling them holding them in that quiet sweet place inside is shifting those too.
It will take some time I think, but I am finally hopeful that I can enter into a healthy, sustainable relationship.
Your feedback is welcome.
JerryJuly 13, 2013 at 10:47 am #38540MattParticipant
Yes, fantastic! But don’t let it go to your head. 🙂 Buddha said that sense pleasures are laced with suffering, such as craving. When we try to get our happiness from others, there is a dissatisfaction that arises with it. After all, people aren’t always in a place to help us become happy, so when we are in need and they are unavailable we become resentful, seeing them as a miser withholding our happiness.
Instead we can cultivate a sense of unconditioned happiness. Through mindful practices such as prayer and meditation, we can tap into a satisfying joy that needs no sense conditions for its arrival. Said differently, when we can concentrate our mind, we can also satisfy our need to feel good without pretty smiles, tasty food, big paychecks and so on. Then, we can see the difference between loneliness and aloneness.
It is a small difference, but all the difference. When we are lonely, we seek an “other” to help us feel stable and content. When we are alone, we recognize that we are the light in this world, and by cultivating a self-nourished happiness, there is no need for “other”. Then, when we connect with others, it is because of an inner bounty which asks nothing in return.
From there choosing and finding a partner is very simple. “Do we dance to a similar or complimentary song?” Not “is she __________ enough to satisfy me?”
MattJuly 13, 2013 at 9:20 pm #38553JerryParticipant
Posting this very intimate detail of my life was a big risk for me.
Again and again I read posts of men and women alike who were/are in a lot of pain and confusion blaming someone else for their unhappiness.
This realization, this shift is new, it is fragile. it is from my heart to all of the broken hearts I read about in Tiny Buddha.
The realization that I was unconsciously asking someone else to fill my cup was gained through a bit of suffering on my part.
The response I got has all of the right words, but very little heart.
This experience made me realize that I should not risk such delicate and new parts of myself in a pubic forum and am signing off of Tiny Buddha.
JerryJuly 13, 2013 at 10:35 pm #38555MattParticipant
I’m sorry if something in my words seemed unloving, they came from a place of acceptance and respect. 🙁 Namaste.