Hey everyone,
I am fairly new to the forum; I have been reading forum posts for about a year now but this is my first post. Unfortunately I was brought to posting because I am in need of some advice. I am 19 and a couple years ago my parents got divorced. My brother and I have both moved on however my mom really struggled and is still in the process of recovering. I am now back at home to attend college in my hometown for a year and the relationship between my mother and me has rapidly deteriorated in the time I have been home. At the time of my parent’s divorce I knew my mother was in a lot of pain and I did not hold it against her, however, since then she has become a toxic person in my life. I know my pain comes from my own dissatisfaction with the relationship between us however I no longer can stand to be around my mother. I do not wish to remove her from my life because we used to have a good relationship. To go into some detail, within the last year she has become increasingly selfish and thoughtless. I was away at University for most of the time that the change occurred so I was not really conscious of it but now that I am home, and have been home, it has been more and more obvious. When she is not at work she actively avoids spending time around my brother or I and when she is around us she is almost also engrossed in either her facebook, pinterest, or the TV. Any conversation that does take place is almost always about her complaining about money, work, or something else wrong in her life. She doesn’t ask how we are doing and if she does it is only in passing before she returns to talking about her own problems. She has also shirked a lot of her responsibilities outside of work. I know I am responsible for helping out around the house and I am fine with that, however, she has started taking advantage of me helping out and has given up all responsibility over her own house. I am now the only one responsible for cleaning the house, doing the dishes, cooking, and mowing the lawn. I work and am in school so it really adds extra stress to the point that I feel like a maid. I didn’t want to let it bother me but just lately she has started complaining to her friends that the house needs cleaning, despite my efforts, even though she doesn’t help to do the cleaning. I do think that she feels bad about it at some level because she says I don’t have to do the extra housework but if I don’t do it, it does not get done. I have tried to talk to her about all of this twice over the past couple months but it’s not exactly an easy thing to tell someone that they’ve become toxic – especially when they are family – and each time she closes off and acts like I am the problem. Both of the times I have tried talking to her have only caused more damage and the second time ended in a shouting match and her telling me to get out of her life. Since then I have more or less stayed at an emotional distance but it is only causing me to feel grief and guilt. My brother, who has his own apartment, says that it really doesn’t matter and that he is fine not being involved but because he lives away and, I am now at home for a year, it is almost inevitable that her negativity has an effect on me. If anyone has some advice on how to handle the situation, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.