I think I have discussed my alcohol abuse on here before, but as a short background: I’ve gotten drunk 3 or 4 times nearly every week for probably 7 years (not counting the 5-month abstinence I had due to a life event). This past week I’ve not had a drop. This, combined with a steady regimen of meditation, mindfulness, breathing exercises (all these several times a day), and exercise multiple times a week has led to a strong revelation that might seem odd as a revelation, but it hit me in a wonderful way.

It was basically this: “Wow. I know why people go out and do things now.” In other posts I’ve talked about hiding from life. Alcohol has helped me hide from life and not be mindful and stay stuck. I’m not drinking now, and doing all those skills…and then I saw a friend of mine on a social media website, out somewhere with her child. It struck me–*I* wanted to get out and do things! I haven’t had that yearning in a long time. The avoidance and the alcohol abuse kept actual living down.

To give a structure of my days when I was drinking: each night I’d be relieved that I could get drunk so I could feel better…i.e. put down the loneliness and fear. I’d get extremely drunk, go to bed, wake up with a massive hangover and not want to do anything; then the following day I’d get drunk again, and the cycle would repeat. It was exhausting. And left no energy for growth.

In a couple of my posts I’ve talked about apartment noise, and the extreme anxiety I felt. Alcohol does not help me cope with this, because I cannot escape in the way I’m used to: hiding in my apartment. Since the prompting event occurs right below my apartment, and I hear it (or feel it, due to thin walls), I cannot escape it. This has, it seems, turned out to be a blessing of sorts: it’s made me do the skills and quit drinking. The alternative was to stay anxious or even get worse.

So I chose the skills regimen sans drinking. And while I’m a bit anxious right now, it’s nothing compared to how I was last week. I’ve progressed a tremendous amount in a pretty short period of time. I felt actually truly free and happy over the weekend, for the first time in maybe 15 years. It was amazing. This doesn’t mean that I won’t feel fear in the future–I’m sure I shall. But the future is the future, and I’m typing this now, and I know now that my practicing of the skills has gotten me to a much better place.

So, this whole post is basically a celebration, and hopefully is an inspiration to others who are going through dark times. For those people: when I started this regimen (9/10/2015), it seemed like I had an insurmountable wall in front of me. It was totally sheer and vertical, no handholds. Now, a week later, the wall seems tilted back somewhat, in my favor. I’m finally realizing that, while I have fear, I don’t have to amplify it by ruminating. It felt so foreign and impossible, being in the moment. But, as someone who was just about *never* in the moment, I’ve had times in the past week where I was truly present, where I wasn’t beating myself down. And these times were glorious.

May this provide hope for you.

Thank you for reading.