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  • #42154
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My ex-boyfriend and I were together for about 8 years. We lived together in several cities over a period of 6 years. We were friends before we got together, and we had tons in common. I had issues with insecurity and he had issues from being adopted at birth. I hadn’t been very happy for the last 2 years because I wasn’t doing what I wanted and he and I were both wanting to move, but because of finances and our jobs, we never had the timing right. He broke up with me suddenly, out of the blue 5 months ago. Despite trying to work things out, he moved out 2 months later. At the time he was starting to smoke marijuana frequently and had completely given up the meditation practice that he had which had helped us during our tough times. We hung out like nothing had happened, and I went on a quest to discover all the lessons that needed to be learned to be able to love myself and others more, all the while hoping we’d get back together.

    Our communication became less and less until I got the idea that he must not really want to be with me, so I made plans to move and pursue my passions, effectively cutting off any chance of us being together again. He took this hard, and aside from a night where I asked him to come over so I could share my gratitude and lessons learned with him and he broke down crying and the following night when he came over saying he couldn’t sleep and was obviously having a hard time, he never wanted to talk about why we broke up or get closure. He then started seeing someone else.

    Despite my positive outlook on my life and our relationship and ability to move on at one point, this piece of information broke me to pieces. Weeks before I had found out about the girlfriend, I had asked him to have a goodbye ceremony the day I left, which he agreed to. My last day before leaving, while we were cleaning out our former place of habitation I asked him if I could stay at his place after our ceremony since he was taking our cat. He said I shouldn’t – that he had plans with his girlfriend and didn’t even seem to care about the ceremony. I stayed anyway, after he decided he’d stay at a friend’s house. It was awful. The whole time I was asking for our goodbye, he did everything to avoid it, then left. He kept saying we’d see each other again and said we’d talk after I left.

    I got to my new home/town and tried to go no contact and move on. He texted, asking how I was doing, and when I didn’t respond sent my some songs/videos about wanting to change and basically being devastated about losing his friend. He texted me and asked if we were still going to be friends. I responded saying that I wanted to be with him to resolve our issues together, to get to the core of our beings where understanding resides, to continue our spiritual relationship, etc. and if he didn’t then I would have to say goodbye. He ignored that email, but still sent me a text about a recipe. Yesterday, I finally confronted him via email asking him what he wanted (and why he didn’t respond to my email) and he said a friendship. I said I was confused by the previous emails and texts he sent that gave me an idea that there might be hope for a reconciliation, but needed to know that there wasn’t a chance we would be together again. He said he was sorry for misleading me and that he didn’t mean to. I said to not contact me and goodbye, which he acknowledged.

    I’m suffering because he’s moved on. I imagine him happy with his new girlfriend. It kills me to think that she might have the future with him that we had planned. He’s swept his feelings under the rug with marijuana, alcohol and a new relationship. I’m suffering because we shared 8 years of our lives together and never got any closure. He never wanted to discuss anything. To give me what I needed, yet he thought we could be friends. He just wanted out. And now I’m the one lonely and confused. I don’t know if his issues with adoption have anything to do with this. I’m having an especially hard time knowing his new girlfriend was also adopted. Like he’s found a new soul mate to replace me. Someone who can understand him better even though I spent 8 years trying to understand him, show him compassion and help him. How can someone just drop that relationship so easily?

    #42160
    Matt
    Participant

    Allie,

    Your pain and confusion is very reasonable, and I’m sorry form your grieving. It makes sense why you would be in the habit of wanting him to be happy, and spending your time thinking about him being happy. You were together for a long time. Now when your heart wants him to be happy, “SHE” is intermixed, and the jealousy and hurt feelings come along.

    Which is normal for grief, and it heals over time. I think you’re mistakenly assuming that he is just “over it” and has moved on. The odd texts and emails prove otherwise. However, it also seems clear he doesn’t want to reconcile, and also is wishy washy about his grieving. The drugs and alcohol and new girl don’t make it any easier, and probably means he is suppressing emotions, but that’s his dance, his karma.

    For your side, you can approach your grief in a few ways. One is you could do metta with him as the recipient, spending time wishing him happiness even if it means he is in the arms of his soulmate, and that soulmate is not you. It will be through gritted, jealous teeth at first, but with sincerity and persistence your attachment to him will settle.

    Or, you could just keep self nurturing, following your passions, and it will also erode with time, perhaps a bit slower. When painful feelings arise, try not to be swept into them (after all, you deserve to be happy) and do something nice for yourself. Sing your favorite song, take a bath, go for a walk in nature… help your body let go of the pain and move on.

    With your connection to rituals, you could also get closure on your own. On a piece of paper you could write out (in your own words, your own hand) “while he and I were together as partners, we interwove and shared and experienced karma. Whatever the conditions are now, I seek to allow the debts on both side to be settled, so that healing may flow into both of us, so that we can both be free.” Then say a prayer to the karmic council and burn the page with gratitude. After all, it seems that you’d like both of you to be free. If free flowing the ideas isn’t your style, I seem to remember seeing a “silver chalice” ritual that might be found on Google. Namaste.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #42163
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My goodness, Matt. Your compassionate and wise words moved me. They hit me hard, but also made me confront what I know I need to do. I had tried the Metta, but never with the aspect of him having a girlfriend/soulmate (reading that just felt like a blow to my abdomen). I will try it. I’m sure it’ll shake me to my core, as letting him go to another seems impossible for my heart.

    Thank you for the closure ceremony. I was just thinking of writing something up and going to the beach and burning it and throwing the ashes into the water. I thought of going to the place near the ocean where I used to regularly go and do loving-kindness meditation for him when we were living in different places. Your words are perfect for the ritual.

    Just thinking of both these things choke me up. I have this urge to tell him I’m doing the ceremony. I think the hardest part is not being able to share my heart with him in these instances. It absolutely tears me apart. I guess that’s what the metta is for.

    I can’t thank you enough for your support, Matt. Your wisdom has done more for me than 4 months of therapy and searching for meaning and answers. It hits the core of my being.

    <3 Maile

    #42164
    Matt
    Participant

    Maile,

    Namaste, you’re welcome. If it hit in the abdomen that potently, you may still be pretty raw. You sound familiar with metta, so remember we go from easy to difficult. Perhaps a trusted friend or family member, then a neutral person, then him. Perhaps you could be patient and gentle with yourself as you let go, and surround it with loving activities and self care. Part of our wisdom is making space around our grief so it doesn’t sweep us in. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #42166
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you, again. I went to the beach and had my ceremony and did the loving kindness meditation. I did it for him, but couldn’t include her. Definitely still raw there. Now I’m just battling (trying to be loving to myself) when these constant thoughts of what we won’t be sharing in our lives together (holidays, having a child, spending time with family, common interests) keep coming at me. Is there anything you can share on that? Those thoughts are really painful. 🙁

    #42167
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also, Matt, was wondering what your feelings are on no-contact post-breakup. If we were friends to begin with, is there a possibility of us being friends again? Is it bad to want to share things with each other? He has my cat, so I haven’t been receptive/able to updates on her. After doing metta, I feel like I’ve closed off my heart to a friend, which doesn’t feel very good.

    I know a lot of people do the no-contact thing because they think it gives the other space to think about the relationship, which I think can be beneficial. Some people say you can never be friends, and others that you shouldn’t until you can deal with the other having a new relationship. I agree with both of these sentiments, but vacillate between all of them.

    #42168
    Matt
    Participant

    Allie,

    Post relationship friendships are difficult, and it really depends on you and your heart and him and his. Communication could be kicking up extra painful feelings, which is why many people wisely advise a no-contact rule. For me, its too subjective to be a rule, but remember that grieving takes time and space.

    When my father died, I told my teacher that my emotions had become incredibly unstable and I didn’t know how to find peace. He said to me that wisdom is not in being stable, but in allowing big things to be big and small things to be small. Stability arises on its own. Said differently, we don’t make mountains out of molehills, but we don’t try to make mountains into molehills either.

    Patience, gentleness with yourself. You can’t wish a broken ankle knitted, the heart is the same way. Metta will help, breathing will help, but its still not a quick fix. The heart needs time. I know when we’re in pain we want to be fixed now, healed now, but it almost never happens that way.

    If you’re used to watching thoughts in meditation, you can open up the spaciousness around the thoughts by just seeing them as ripples. Don’t mask them, or suppress them, just notice and move back to the breath. Don’t be agitated with yourself, aggressive with yourself… that just creates more ripples, more painfulness. Just gently move your awareness back to the sensations of the breath. “What about Christmas” yes, ripples, breath. “Oh, I dreamed of having a baby with him” yes, ripples, breath. Settling, letting go. “This hurts” yes, ripples, breath.

    Don’t forget that bath!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #42169
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Matt,

    I just shed a happy tear for the breathing and ripples. Thank you again for the lessons. I will practice them, knowing that others have been on the same path and that it’s not an easy one with an easy fix.

    Sorry about the passing of your father. It reminds me of the wish I’ve had to be closer (location-wise) to my own father, which has come to be because of my breakup and subsequent move. Thank you for reminding me to enjoy these moments I have with him. 🙂

    I’ll remember the bath!

    Aloha,
    Allie

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

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