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Absolute despaire after a break up

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #267857

    Turtle141217
    Participant

    About 12 months ago I was out with some friends and I met a guy, we had such a great time and gave he gave me his number. We started chatting every other day and it was an amazing connection. He asked me out and I just didn’t think I was relationship material, eventually I agreed to go out with him. He booked dinner, picked me up and we had an amazing time. over the following months we shared some very special times and three months in he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him I was scared of getting hurt and he needed to ensure that this was exactly what he wanted. He is often anxious and insecure so I didn’t want him asking me to be his girlfriend out of insecurity.

    From my perspective, this guy made me the happiest I have ever been and I failed to tell him that in a way that he would understand. There were a number of times he did things that I didn’t agree with an I would put my feelings aside because I knew how much I cared for him and it wasn’t a big deal. BUT my own fear and insecurities would take over and I would pick fights with him, he told me he didn’t want to fight with him and he just wants to be happy. The whole time I was worried he was going to leave me a fear of rejection and abandonment.

    He would also talk to me about the future, meeting the parents and our lift together, trips overseas and in my head and heart I thought he was going to one. The way we felt together, our talks about the future, the way nothing else mattered because he was in my life.

    I was going through a challenging time in my life moved houses and started  a new job which i didn’t like. We started fighting and I told him I don’t want to see him for 14 days, he didn’t like that as he constantly needs attention. I tried to explain myself and he told me that it was over. He said he wants to be happy and that he gets anxiety that he is constantly letting me down. I asked if we could work on it and he said he didn’t want to try because he doesn’t want the hurt again in the future if it didn’t work out. For the first few days we were talking after the break up and he was crying the whole time. 3 weeks later he dropped my stuff back and he spent another 2.5 hours crying in my arms. We then didn’t speak for a while.

    About a month ago I reached out to him and we started chatting, I wanted to see him and so we were going to catch up. He bailed on me twice. We were constantly messaging almost every minute of the day joking, flirting and just living. Eventually he asked if I wanted to have dinner. we met for dinner and again it was amazing, we were having so much fun laughing and carrying on and then we had dinner and went to a bar. Eventually things turned back, he started calling me his friend, saying he didn’t know what we wanted out of catching up, saying there is nothing going to aping and then he started crying at the bar. We went outside and he told me he was dating someone else and that he is confused about everything. We both ended up crying and it was really say. He then kissed me and I kissed him back – it was kind of perfect. I knew this had to stop so because of out it turned out I said I had to leave and I didn’t want to speak to him again so i walked away.

    Four days went by and I didn’t hear from him, so I messaged him telling him how i felt he told me he missed me and enjoyed hanging out and its all confusing but he just wants to be friends. I am finding it really hard to get over him, it has been 5 months and there seems to be such a big emotional connection (any physical) but it isn’t enough for him. He said he has his own stuff to deal with which is why he ran away, i just don’t understand how he can say that than start dating other people.

    He obviously has a lot of issues which I understand but it feels like he wants to be with me but he cant for what ever reason. this makes me feel not worthy enough for him. I want to cry all the time and I miss him so much. I want to let go of him and move forward so I am practising meditation and have booked in for an energetic healing session.  Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with something like this, i know i cant force him to be with me, should I just settle for friends.

    #267861

    George
    Participant

    Hello Turtle,

    In our life, we have a lot better things to do.

    e.g.

    1. Fitness

    ( Do you have enough workout? )

    2. Friends

    ( Chill out with friends, catch up with them )

    3. Social network

    ( Meet more people. In your colleagues, workplace and etc. The more people you meet the more experience you again )

    4. Hobby

    ( When is the last time you enjoy doing something you like ? )

    5. Career

    Let’s put these goals into your life as the main focus rather than thinking about him.

    Hope that helps.

    George.

    #267921

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Turtle:

    Reads to  me that you got scared and then angry at him, and then aggressive, picking fights with him, repeatedly: “I told him I was scared of getting hurt… my own fear and insecurities would take over and I would pick fights with him… the whole time I was worried he  was  going to leave me”. Then you moved houses and started a new job and got more fearful, so you “started fighting”, again.

    But the  whole time with him he didn’t give you a reason to be scared of him. Problem is your aggression scared him, so… you gave him a reason to  fear you.

    It is  oh, so very common that fear turns to  anger, it happens in nature, other animals. They get scared of danger then get angry so to fight the danger. So you saw danger in him that wasn’t  really  there and you got angry. And then you fought.

    I suppose you felt scared and weak, that is how you felt. But when he saw you angry and fighting, he didn’t see scared-and-weak, he saw angry and strong. Think of  his perspective.

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

    #267975

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Turtle,

    It sounds like he’s a sensitive guy, and you were too hard on him without realizing it.

    So who’s he going to pick? The girl who would get angry at him (and kill his soul) or some girl who hasn’t yelled at him (yet)?

    He is so super sensitive, I would let him make the first (and last) move any time.

    Best,

    Inky

    P.S. You date, too.

    #268011

    Turtle141217
    Participant

    Thanks Inky – you’re right, he is so sensitive and I am so strong headed that i blew it! I am going to focus on healing and let him make the moves where he see’s fit.

    I have considered dating but I feel like I am not in the right head space to give someone my all and I think that would be unfair on them.

    thanks 🙂

    #268013

    Turtle141217
    Participant

    Anita – i was so scared and i projected my feelings on to him and I feel like i cant recover from that and win him back. He did have a lot of insecurities and it did make me wonder if he was looking for the next best thing while constantly he was craving attention.

    I am very upset at my self for the way i reacted, I have started working on some healing techniques so i can deal better with these situations so I don’t hurt anyone else in the future. I will work on letting him go and learn forgiveness and I guess if it were meant to be it will be.

    thanks

    #268077

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Turtle:

    You are welcome. When I read your original post  for the first time, yesterday, I was immediately curious about this sentence that  you wrote there: “He is often anxious and insecure so I didn’t want him asking me  to be his girlfriend out of insecurity”. In your most recent  post you wrote: “He  did have a  lot of insecurities and it did make me wonder if  he was looking for the next best  thing while constantly he was craving  attention”-

    I don’t understand the concern there, and I think it  may help you to explore this with me a bit. Reads to me that you consider his anxiety (this is what  you mean by the word insecurity, correct?) as a character fault  of sorts, you thought of him as less-than, for being  anxious and for craving  attention, as if he  was  not capable  of loving you?

    And if so, you are anxious as well, is that what  you meant  by “I just didn’t  think I was relationship material”, for  being anxious?

    anita

     

    #268165

    Turtle141217
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When he first asked me to be his girlfriend he was going away for the weekend for a friends wedding and was worried I would go on dates with other people and he was insecure about that. He assured me that he had insecurities but that wasn’t why he asked me to be his girlfriend.

    He has a lot of anxiety and cant cope with it at all. I didn’t think of his as less than and it made me feel good that i could provide him with the attention/support he needed. Part of the problem was he go so anxious that he didn’t think he was making me happy and all he wanted to do was make me happy. I let him down because i didn’t tell him or show him how happy he actually made me feel. I let my fears and worries get in the way because i didn’t feel worthy enough for his love so i push him away. When i needed support from him it was too late and he didn’t want to fight when i was going through a tough time so he told me he “projected what he was felling and ran away”. he said he didn’t want to give it another go because he didn’t want to get hurt in the future and fall back in to the same pattern. He still misses me and say he will never forget me and that seeing me the other day confused him but I am just a friend to him now.

    thanks

    Turtle x

    #268243

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Turtle:

    So you thought he asked you to be his girlfriend so to prevent you from meeting other guys while he was away… and that, if I understand correctly, that he is not  so selective, and when there is  trouble with one woman, he looks for the “next best thing”, that is another woman so that he will not be alone, doesn’t really matter who the woman is?

    If this is what you meant, it  is very  possible. This is why communication in a beginning (and all through) a relationship is so important,  to aim and develop an honest and open communication. This way the two people get to know each other better. And  each person gets to know oneself better. It is a discovery of sorts, and things don’t stay the  same over time of such ongoing  communication. It makes relationships special and  it becomes very  personal, making the  “next best thing” here-and-now, getting to know ourselves and others better, not looking for distractions elsewhere.

    anita

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